You Are Charlotte Simmons

Kerry Howley | July 27, 2006

In her 8 millionth version of this column, Suzanne Fields articulates a message that I, for one, cannot get enough of: You're all sluts, and you like it. To wit:

Fashion reflects the times and modesty and femininity are anachronisms in a world in which "slut" is no longer a slur. The word was popularized by gangsta rappers, linking it with "ho" and other denigrating descriptions of women. The New York Times reports that it has become a term of endearment between women friends, a "fun word" for ladies who lunch. These are the young women who read "The Vagina Monologues" to each other, reveling in the celebration of their body parts.

This piece, while being utterly devoid of substantive content, really does have it all: a reference to "gangsta rappers," awkward use of the word ho, a sorrowful nod to the slutty poor (they "suffer most," let's please not forget), mention of a "media-saturated culture," a reference to that peerless chronicler of the cutting edge, The New York Times Style Section, and my personal favorite, a lengthy quote from the expert on the nuances of sexuality among adolescent girls, septuagenerian Tom Wolfe.

As I took some time off from a long string of rainbow parties to read this column, I could think only of the South Park episode where we learn the show King of the Hill Family Guy is written by manatees rearranging "idea balls," each of which are stamped with words to be used in the script. Is there a tank somewhere with balls labeled "Vagina Monologues," "college hook-ups," and "Girls Gone Wild"? Are these columns composed with magnetic poetry?