Stop the Planet of the Apes, I Want To Get Off...

Nick Gillespie | April 25, 2006

Reader Bill "NoStar" Kalles writes in with this terrible tale pulled straight from the headlines of Conquest of the Planet of the Apes. Or maybe Battle for the Planet of the Apes. Or Rent Strike on the Planet of the Apes. Or now that I think about it, maybe this is delivering on the promise inherent in Every Which Way But Loose and Any Which Way You Can, in which Dr. Zaius's forefather pals around with Clint Eastwood and Jeffrey Lewis and Ruth Gordon, fighting crime and bare-knuckling boxing like a motherfucka. Look closely in the eyes of "Clyde" the orangutan and you'll see nothing but the white hot rage of a patient captive biding his time before unleashing the terrifying swift sword of righteousness against even pro-primate humans.

In any case, here you go:

Police hunt killer chimps

FREETOWN (Reuters) - Armed Sierra Leonean police are hunting up to 20 chimpanzees which killed a local taxi driver and injured three American visitors after they broke out of a wildlife sanctuary, officials said on Tuesday.

The Tacugama Chimpanzee Sanctuary in forested hills outside the Sierra Leonean capital Freetown where the incident happened, has been closed since Sunday's attack by the screaming and excited apes, which mobbed and mauled the four men.

"Some people had turned up at the gate before normal opening time, and before staff could react, they realized somebody was being attacked," the sanctuary's director, Bala Amarasekaran told Reuters.

The animals killed local taxi driver Issa Kanu and bit and mauled three U.S. employees of a construction company helping to build the new U.S. embassy in Freetown....

Whole evolution-gone-wrong spectacle here.

Not-to-be-missed tribute to Flash nemesis Gorilla Grodd, the Prof. Moriarity of Great Ape Bad Guys, here.

Comments

|4.25.06 @ 4:40PM|#

Kill the damn' dirty apes, but for the Love of God, don't enslave them.

Ron Hardin|4.25.06 @ 5:49PM|#

Sexually mature chimps are a problem. It's one of the things that proves dogs are smarter than chimps.

The other being that anytime somebody trains a chimp to do X, some dog owner points out that his dog can do that.

|4.25.06 @ 5:59PM|#

Troy McClure: I hate every ape I see,
From chimpan-A to chimpanzee,
No, you'll never make a monkey out of me!

(Statue of Liberty rises)

Troy: O my God! I was wrong!
It was Earth, all along!
You've finally made a monkey,

Apes: Yes we've finally made a monkey,

Troy: Yes you've

Troy & Apes: finally made a monkey out of me!

Troy: I love you, Dr. Zaius!

|4.25.06 @ 6:58PM|#

If Jesse had made this post we might have been treated to "I'm an ape man, I'm an ape ape man, I'm an ape man ..."

|4.25.06 @ 7:03PM|#

Maybe the air pollution was fuggin' up their eyes.

|4.25.06 @ 7:28PM|#

Chimps and otters.

They'll bite your nuts off.

|4.25.06 @ 7:46PM|#

I bet those apes could cause some severe tire damage.

|4.25.06 @ 8:17PM|#

I'm a monkey!

|4.25.06 @ 10:31PM|#

I'm a Monkee!

|4.25.06 @ 11:15PM|#

I'm a monkey's uncle!

|4.25.06 @ 11:52PM|#

I am the walrus! Coo-coo-ca-chew!

|4.26.06 @ 9:38AM|#

We're more fun. . .no, we are exactly as fun as a barrel full of monkeys.

|4.26.06 @ 9:44AM|#

Wait-when did Sierra Leon become a place where we wanted an embassy? I was going to call shenanigans on Americans in Sierra Leon being "tourists", I guess I should have known that they were under govt contract.

Captain Holly|4.26.06 @ 10:35AM|#

Hmmmm. A group of pampered, protected chimps break out of their sanctuary and promptly attack their human benefactors?

There's got to be a libertarian metaphor in this somewhere.

Captain Holly|4.26.06 @ 10:38AM|#

Come to think of it, aren't the chimps the most reasonable, peace-loving members of the future Planet of the Apes? I thought those nasty gorillas were the ones who were reflexively violent and misanthropist.

VM|4.26.06 @ 10:43AM|#

Who would win in the killer monkies against the killer rabbit?

the stay puft marshmellow man will be referee.