Hooters Air: Tits Up

Tim Cavanaugh | March 29, 2006

Hooters Air, the discount-flight division of the (in)famous restaurant chain, is canceling all its scheduled service. The airline's business had been sagging like Denny Hastert's man-tits for a year or so, pressured by rising fuel prices and an airline industry that president Bob Brooks characterized as "a terrible mess." The rest of Hooters of America is still busting out, however, with a new casino, branded credit card, and magazine: The company is set to open 80 new restaurants this year.

Sara Rimensnyder cheered the Hooters Air concept back when it was just an undercooked buffalo wing of an idea.

Comments

|3.29.06 @ 5:31PM|#

A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking' strippers! What the hell?

The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women. Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

|3.29.06 @ 5:46PM|#

You are so much smarter than your moron wife. But I wish we were together again (me and you, not me and the bitch).

|3.29.06 @ 5:52PM|#

Damn, now I've gotta go rebook my flight ...

|3.29.06 @ 5:54PM|#

I went to Hooter's once. As a single male, it was a depressing experience.

|3.29.06 @ 5:57PM|#

Great! An airline from the people who can't even get the sandwich right!

-Lewis Black

I can't do math, but my ability to retain bits of pop-culture is pretty good.

|3.29.06 @ 6:49PM|#

They need to change those stupid Hooters uniforms. The shorts are unflatteringly high, shirts are too loose, flesh-colored stockings suck, and so do white tennis shoes with big white socks. It's not 1991 anymore.

|3.29.06 @ 7:19PM|#

They need to change those stupid Hooters uniforms. The shorts are unflatteringly high, shirts are too loose, flesh-colored stockings suck, and so do white tennis shoes with big white socks. It's not 1991 anymore.


Theyyyy're the white-trashiest!

I think they should keep the uniforms for the same reason. That way no matter how hot or busty the chick, she still looks like a fuckwich for working there.

|3.29.06 @ 7:25PM|#

I'm sorry, but going to a low-end restaurant for chicken wings and masking-taped cleavage is in itself the definition of tacky. I say the orange polyester gym shorts stay -- as a reflection of this knuckle-dragging establishment.

|3.29.06 @ 8:12PM|#

smacky,
You obviously do not see the power of the market. ;)

Stephen Macklin|3.29.06 @ 8:55PM|#

I guess business was sagging.

|3.29.06 @ 9:20PM|#

I think it's funny that women are offended by Hooters. The company's business model is based on the theory that men are basically stupid and incapable of ignoring their base urges long enough to eat. The chain's very existence is an expression of contempt towards men.

For my part, when I want to look at titties I go to a titty bar. I wouldn't sully the experience by trying to eat a crappy cheeseburger at the same time.

|3.29.06 @ 9:34PM|#

I'm not offended at anything. The restaurant is tacky and low class. So are strip clubs. That's not me being offended, that's just my opinion.

The fact that I'm a woman has nothing to do with that. I'm not "offended" at anything, unless you mean lack of discriminating taste.

Me, I think Hooters girls look funny. (The shiny nude stockings are the worst!)

|3.29.06 @ 10:01PM|#

The theory behind Hooters is that men will eat lousy food if they get to look at slutty-looking women, and their taste buds will go numb from all their lust.

As long as they do that, there is little problem, but when you get in a plane, there is a small problem of safety.

The real job of the stewardess is to help out with the evacuation of hte plane in an emergency. It is one thing for the company to make the passeners forget that only some metal layers keeps them from plunging to their deaths, but for the company to forget it.

Not too long ago John Testrake died, the pilot of the hijacked plane were that navy man was killed. Also died not too long ago Uli Dickerson, the stewardess who had to deal with the hijackers and try to keep the passengers alive. The idea that a woman who accepts that responsability should have to dress like a slut and act like a stripper is truly repulsive.

Warren|3.29.06 @ 11:25PM|#

The idea that a woman who accepts that responsability should have to dress like a slut and act like a stripper is truly repulsive.

Oh for the love of... Appeasing terrorists isn't part of the job description. What maybe one in 10,000 flight attendants ever has to deal with an armed passenger. I bet actual strippers have to deal with more deadly violence. What's truly repulsive is the assertion that the existence of slutty stripper flight attendants disparages all other flight attendants.

Tim Cavanaugh|3.30.06 @ 12:00AM|#

Well I'll disparage all flight attendants: Their "real job" is to do nothing but get on your nerves and agitate to keep their useless, unskilled gigs. Years before 9/11, a certain wise man laid out a brilliant plan for the airlines: eliminate all inflight meals and services and replace the flight crew with a security officer armed with a tazer. Instead, we've now got the worst of everything: no food or other inflight services, but still a full complement of flight attendants who now have even more time to block the aisles and pester you because they've got nothing else to do, and who are still just as useless in protecting the plane against hijackers, gremlins, or any other threats. They can't invent a nano-violin small enough to express my sympathy for the poor flight attendants. And that's not a gender thing: The males are just as useless as the females.

|3.30.06 @ 1:12AM|#

Well I'll disparage all flight attendants: Their "real job" is to do nothing but get on your nerves and agitate to keep their useless, unskilled gigs.


Damn! Tim Cavanaugh beat me to the punch. I was just going to answer Warren's statement:

What's truly repulsive is the assertion that the existence of slutty stripper flight attendants disparages all other flight attendants.


C'mon, we all know that flight attendents are all sluts, anyway.


The idea that a woman who accepts that responsability should have to dress like a slut and act like a stripper is truly repulsive.


I know this is terrible but I got a somewhat amusing mental picture from Adriana's post (something involving a flaming aircraft full of panicked men with raging hard-ons taking a swift nosedive). I'm sick. I know.

|3.30.06 @ 9:19AM|#

Is anyone else here old enough to remember when Continental Airlines' slogan was, "We move our tail for you"?

Even today, the airline down in New Zealand has something equally sexist. I'm not going to look it up now.

|3.30.06 @ 9:28AM|#

smack:

It's not about the hard-on, doll. It's about power. Men like to feel powerful, even if it's a total bullshit illusion (strip clubs & Hooters). I agree with Akira, they're pretty damned depressing (though I DO love the wings).

|3.30.06 @ 9:34AM|#

Tim, I saw a Mythbusters episode last night dealing with whether the "crash position" was actually an airline plot to get passengers to assume the most dangerous position for a crash. The idea behind the story was that wrongful death liability is far less than liability for serious injuries, given the greatly enhanced damages you get when future damages are thrown in. As my torts professor used to joke, if you hit someone with your car, be sure to back up over your victim to save lots of money in court.

Anyway, they tested the various seat configurations and, while debunking the myth (the crash position does, of course, help), confirmed for themselves the existing data that it isn't the impact of the crash that kills most passengers (Mythbusters cited the statistic that, of total airplane passenger deaths, only 20% of the passengers are estimated to have been killed by the impact). The big problem is that people usually break a leg or worse and can't get the heck out. Thus they die of fire or smoke inhalation.

On top of all of that, they tested the backward-facing flight attendant seats and discovered that they were much, much safer--potentially absorbing 80+ Gs without significant damage to the flight attendant. Therefore, it appears that flight attendants could be some of the few ambulatory "passengers" on a plane after a crash. Which would seem to indicate that they could serve something besides drinks :)

Of course, you could just replace the drink-serving, aisle-blocking, buh-bye-uttering flight attendents of today with a couple of trained guys named Ben.

Hi, smacky, where have you been? Did you meet our new troll, yet?

J sub D|3.30.06 @ 9:50AM|#

"For my part, when I want to look at titties I go to a titty bar. I wouldn't sully the experience by trying to eat a crappy cheeseburger at the same time."

Actually, if you shop around, you can find titty bars with better burgers than Hooters. Is this a great country, or what?

|3.30.06 @ 9:54AM|#

"On top of all of that, they tested the backward-facing flight attendant seats and discovered that they were much, much safer--potentially absorbing 80+ Gs without significant damage to the flight attendant."

Actually, that rear-facing seats are much safer has been well-known for years. (It's for that reason that military transport aircraft usually have the seats installed in the rear-facing position.) Commercial aircraft rarely have seats installed in that position, however, because passengers don't like to fly "backwards".

|3.30.06 @ 10:06AM|#

SR, they weren't claiming to discover the added safety of the rear-facing chairs, they just wanted to test the claim for themselves. I will note though that a safety expert said in the broadcast that backward-facing seats do have one serious drawback in a crash--flying debris in the face. Ouch.

If we really cared about safety, we'd have individual pods capable of automated flight (more importantly, automated landings), with back-up parachutes and with satellite television. All for a low, low cost :)

|3.30.06 @ 12:13PM|#

Surprising amount of hate for flight attendants.

Sorry Tim, but despite your claim that it's not a sexist thing, I'm not buying it. Do you have the same objection to people who work as doormen? Porters in hotels? Hell, any job that is not strictly necessary but there for convenience or to reflect status?

Flight attendants do have training, not only in safety but in DEALING WITH PASSENGERS. Think it's an easy job dealing with drunk, scared, crazy people or crying babies? Those people provide much more of a service than you think they do. Anyone who disagrees ought to actually try a customer service job in which you have to deal one-on-one with the "general public".

|3.30.06 @ 12:46PM|#

When I've had a chance to fly first-class, the attendants have been nothing but courteous and helpful.

But there is no amount of courteous attendants, partially exposed titties, or buffalo wings that could make cramming oneself into a coach-class seat for several hours a pleasant experience. Which only serves heighten the unpleasantness already created by the government-level idiocy of the baggage search and boarding process. I used to love flying places...now I have to steel myself to get through it.

Tim Cavanaugh|3.30.06 @ 4:22PM|#

Sorry Tim, but despite your claim that it's not a sexist thing, I'm not buying it. Do you have the same objection to people who work as doormen? Porters in hotels? Hell, any job that is not strictly necessary but there for convenience or to reflect status?

Hey, don't forget the noble washroom attendant! How many times would I have had to leave the head with my ass unwiped and my hands sopping wet if not for the expert guidance of a trained professional.

Think it's an easy job dealing with drunk, scared, crazy people or crying babies?

There have been drunk, scared, crazy people and crying babies on every more-than-half-hour bus ride I've ever taken, and I didn't see any flight attendants helping out there. A passenger plane is a bus that flies, and the flight attendants are a vestige of an age when people tried to pretend otherwise. That age is over, and it's time to do away with flight attendants. If they want to keep them in first class, fine-but since first class itself is gradually disappearing, even that's an iffy proposition.

|3.30.06 @ 4:40PM|#

That age is over, and it's time to do away with flight attendants.

Good luck. They're unionized.

In all seriousness, I suspect the airlines are already moving in that direction. They've already eliminated meals in coach class and even beverage service on shorter flights. With no food or drink service, the airlines will have an easier time justifying the elimination of attendant positions to the unions (and the courts after the unions sue) and to their customers. There will probably be only one 'customer rep' aboard the plane to assist in medical emergencies, mediate passenger disputes, etc. Frankly, not serving drinks aboard planes would get rid of most problems, anyway, though I guess you do see people getting sloshed in the airport bar.

|3.30.06 @ 5:17PM|#

Well, Timothy, it **is** offensive to suggest that the only thing that a woman can bring to a job is her willingess to provide sex, as if nothing else is of value.

Perhaps you like to think so, but I am afraid that the executives at the airlines when they think that, they forget how deadly a plane is.

Yeah,a a flying bus, and all that. But a flying bus that can come crashing down in flames. Accidents happen in all forms of transportation, but plane accidents tend to be fatal - there are damn few plane fender-benders,as the bus accident I was in ages ago.

If it was you who thought that, I would only hope that you never got a job as an airline executive, but I fear that there are others. I just read that due to budget constraints they are extending the working hours of the crew, and cutting on their sleep.

You have to be a real idiot to send planes up in the air with a crew whose judgmente is impaired by lack of sleep. Unfortunately there seem to be too many idiots in boardrooms.

I recall the same sort of idiocy a few years back when it came out that at a A1 manufacturing plan they cut the bathroom breaks of the workers, so taht a lot of them ended wearing some sort of diaper and letting themselves go on the spot.

I have not bought a single bottle of A1 since then. I do not like to put human pee or shit on my steak.

|3.30.06 @ 5:33PM|#

I do not like to put human pee or shit on my steak.

Cooking tip: don't put it on your steak. Marinating your steak in it will make it much more tender.

|3.31.06 @ 8:44AM|#

ah, thread goon, maybe they could take a leaf from coffee aficionados and sell "steak sauce du chon"

|3.31.06 @ 10:58AM|#

She don't wear no pants and she don't wear no tie
Always on the ball, she's always on strike
Struttin' up the aisle, big deal, you get to fly
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky

Paid my fare don't wanna complain
You get to me you're always outta champagne
Treat me like a bum 'cause I don't wear no tie
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky

And the sign says thank you very much for not smokin'
My own sign says "I'm sorry I'm smokin'"
Don't treat me special, don't kiss my ass
Treat me like the way they treat 'em up in first class

Sanitation expert and a maintenance engineer
Garbage man, a janitor and you my dear
A real union flight attendant, my oh my
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky
You ain't nothin' but a waitress in the sky

|3.31.06 @ 5:16PM|#

Very nice, the Replacements.

What have waitresses done to earn your comptempt?

That they are poorly paid?
That they have a menial, service job?
That they are women?
That you can disrespect them and get away with it?

what does it take for anyone not to be dispsed by you? How much do you have to make a year before you treat him/or her with the respect due a human being? Do you ever treat women with respect or just see them as an available hole to plug?

If people like you are representative of libertarianims, it does not surprise me that no one wants it. Who would want to follow the ideology of someoene who treats them like dirt?