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G.I. Jalal
John Tierney's Saturday column (TimesSelect) quotes from some of the propaganda pieces placed in Iraqi papers by the Pentagon—noting that, after reading them, it's clear why they had to pay to place them. One of the pieces to which he alludes apparently describes the Iraqi defense forces as soldiers who "fight for freedom, wherever there is trouble." Now, if you're a certain age—or have kids of a certain age—you've already started humming the theme song to the '80s cartoon G.I. Joe. Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic Gen-Xers.
|12.5.05 @ 10:51AM|#
I hear that some of our new high tech weapons in Iraq are
multi-capability vehicles that can be rapidly re-assembled in
several different configurations, depending on the
circumstances.
These combat vehicles are more than meets the eye. It's said that
the leader of these secret units rides a vehicle called "Optimus
Prime."
I just hope that Zarqawi doesn't acquire a new high tech gun called
"Megatron."
|12.5.05 @ 11:27AM|#
Now, if you're a certain age�or have kids of a certain
age�you've already started humming the theme song to the '80s
cartoon G.I. Joe.
...and now we know...
|12.5.05 @ 11:35AM|#
So Cobra Commander is now Queda Commander?
Does Zaquarhi wear a silvered faceplate too?
|12.5.05 @ 11:44AM|#
So that would make this scenario all the more real: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1437
|12.5.05 @ 11:54AM|#
If this doesn't work, perhaps we can hire an idealistic band of
soldiers of fortune to solve our problems for us? It might be hard
to find these guys, though, since they're hiding from the law after
having been convicted of a crime they never committed. Or something
like that. Just look for a big black guy wearing lots of gold
chains and a dumb haircut.
I pity the fool who says that's a dumb idea.
|12.5.05 @ 12:00PM|#
I suggest that we train our forces by having them run through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers dressed as ghosts.
|12.5.05 @ 12:02PM|#
Dr. T, why don't you go overseas, then? As a typical
scientist, you can do mild-mannered sciencey stuff until some haji
comes along pissing on the ideals of freedom, and then when that
happens you can give the haji a stern look and say "Don't make me
angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Then you can
demonstrate why.
I, personally, will pay whatever it costs to get you a pair of
purple pants.
|12.5.05 @ 12:06PM|#
Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic
Gen-Xers.
Hmmm... wonder if Duke, Snake Eyes, Roadblock ("Body Massage!"), et
all would force Cobra POWs to go through the whole Abu Gharib
humiliation and sexual torture gauntlet?
Who'd be the Pvt. England in such a scenario? Scarlet or Lady
Jane?
|12.5.05 @ 12:07PM|#
Jennifer-
The terrorists will always make the mistake of locking me up in a
science lab. Imagine their surprise when I turn the compressed gas
cylinder into a missile!
And given some of the luck I've had lately, my car will probably
get messed up every time.
|12.5.05 @ 12:07PM|#
We could also hire a black obstetrician to wear overpriced sweaters and make funny faces until the bad guys are all laughing too hard to fight us.
|12.5.05 @ 12:09PM|#
I suggest that we train our forces by having them run
through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers
dressed as ghosts.
"Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!"
Which reminds me, no one has made a reference to the Cheat
Commandos yet.
"...BUY ALL OUR PLAYSETS AND TOYS!"
|12.5.05 @ 12:10PM|#
Imagine their surprise when I turn the compressed gas
cylinder into a missile!
Wasn't that MacGyver? I can deal with the sight of you in purple
pants, but for God's sake don't get a mullet.
ranger|12.5.05 @ 12:12PM|#
Sounds like IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!
TYRANNOSAURUS!
(why do you think they call me 'ranger'??)
|12.5.05 @ 12:13PM|#
Playing sad piano music now, as Dr. T hitchhikes along the side
of the Baghdad highway, hoping against hope that next week's
adventure will help him discover the cure for his traumatic
condition.
Dun dun dun dun. . . .dun dun dun DUN dun, dun dun. . . .dun dun
dun DUN dun, dun dun. . .
|12.5.05 @ 12:14PM|#
I'm sort of mixing shows now. The A Team usually got locked into some place with tools so they could assemble their own weapons. And Mr. T's van always got trashed. For me, the equivalent would be a science lab and getting my car trashed. (I've had some bad luck with cars this year.)
|12.5.05 @ 12:20PM|#
Well, Dr. T, you don't have to wear a mullet to be
MacGyveresque. And considering how our government's too fucking
stingy to buy our troops things like armor, I think MacGyver's
can-do "recycling" attitude is exactly what we need.
Here's a box of paper clips, two bread-bag twisty-ties, a padded
satin coathanger and the mouthpiece from a broken bong. Now go
design a superweapon so we can bring the boys back home.
|12.5.05 @ 12:25PM|#
After I bring the troops home I'll just chuckle, chomp on a
cigar, and say "I love it when a plan comes together."
I pity the fool who questions my patriotism because I want to bring
the troops home!
|12.5.05 @ 12:27PM|#
Dr. T, if you were truly patriotic you wouldn't chomp on a cigar. Did you ever stop to consider what kind of example you're setting for American children?
VikingMoose with theme to airw|12.5.05 @ 12:28PM|#
LOOK!
all of you have forgotten the Friday Night Lineup from 1982. That
duo would whip the insurgents' asses.
First we send in Matthew Starr to use his telekenesis. Then Michael
Knight and KITT will storm in - can't use roadside bombs on them.
RPG? fergetit.
Nuff of this. time to get serious.
(MacGuyver is out - remember, in our america, we torture. his
nonviolent approach is so outre...)
|12.5.05 @ 12:31PM|#
I think it's obvious that what we really need is that intelligent car from Knight Rider.
ranger|12.5.05 @ 12:32PM|#
(MacGuyver is out - remember, in our america, we torture.
his nonviolent approach is so outre...)
We ain't got time for that kind of Jibba Jabba!
|12.5.05 @ 12:33PM|#
Until we finish liberating the Iraqi oil supplies, I don't think we can afford the gas to power Knight Rider's car. Besides which, is it really worth winning the war if by doing so we spawn another really bad but "Big in Germany" pop star? Methinks no.
Jeff P., sad uber-geek|12.5.05 @ 12:34PM|#
Just let me state that Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. would kick
G.I. Joe's ass.
The comic version, not the Hasselhoff movie version.
Also, Sgt. Slaughter should have played Judge Dredd instead of
Stallone.
|12.5.05 @ 12:35PM|#
In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot to come along telling us why what the government has done in this case is a really good idea.
Viking Moose the cynical moose|12.5.05 @ 12:35PM|#
Jennifer - i think the car was reactor driven.
point well taken about Hasselhof...
still. this is war. the terrorists don't play fair. plus, all of
his mehair would clog the mythical paper shredder used by neocons
to scare people into attacking...
Jeff P.|12.5.05 @ 12:37PM|#
K.I.T.T. got 200 miles to the gallon. He had a reactor but
needed catalytic reaction.
I am frightened that I know that.
|12.5.05 @ 12:38PM|#
still. this is war. the terrorists don't play fair. plus,
all of his mehair would clog the mythical paper shredder used by
neocons to scare people into attacking...
Exactly my point, VM. If the neocons aren't able to shred documents
and civil liberties then we will lose the war. Which is why
Hasselhoff needs to be kept out of this.
Viking Moose, friend of Opus a|12.5.05 @ 12:42PM|#
LOL!!!!
and that's why nobody has seen a picture of Saddam's shredder.
because the neocons are using it to shred documents!
it all fits!
now. time for another 80s reference.
WE SHOULD SEND IN THE
BASSELOPE!!!!!!!!
[jarring chord]
|12.5.05 @ 12:48PM|#
Fuck the basselopes, VM. You know who we really need to
get on our side? Papa Smurf!
Laugh if you must but think about it: he has magic powers.
And the accumulated wisdom of centuries of life. And he's only
three apples high--small enough to fit anywhere!
Also, his blue-and-white color scheme will really piss off
our Jew-hatin' enemies. So he's a good psy-ops weapon as well.
|12.5.05 @ 12:49PM|#
In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot
to come along telling us why what the government has done in this
case is a really good idea.
I think they know better than to disrupt a geekfest.
That's what's awesome about H&R: Everybody respects the
geekfest. Even the hardcore right-wingers.
|12.5.05 @ 12:54PM|#
How could you all have overlooked the essential skills of Manimal? Don't make the same mistake NBC executives did!
|12.5.05 @ 12:55PM|#
Oh, my God, Les. I was going to make a Manimal joke several
posts ago, but I was afraid it was too geeky even for this
place.
Note to self: never assume anything is too geeky for this
place.
|12.5.05 @ 1:02PM|#
Believe it or not, I'm walking on air!
I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee,
flying away on a wing and a prayer--
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's just me.
DaveInBigD|12.5.05 @ 1:06PM|#
But Jennifer, didn't UNICEF wipe out the Smurfs in a brutal carpet-bombing campaign?
|12.5.05 @ 1:11PM|#
If you thought my LAST post was geeky, how about this: Which was better? Tales Of The Gold Monkey or Bring 'Em Back Alive?
|12.5.05 @ 1:16PM|#
Dave, Papa Smurf is like Jason and Freddy--no matter how many
times you kill 'em, you can always bring 'em back when you need
them.
To make a semi-serious comment: reading the article about GI Joe
reminds me of when I was teaching and had to speak to students
whose papers were obviously plagiarized: what I actually said, of
course, was "Plagiarism is wrong and I am very disappointed in you
blah blah blah honest effort blah blah blah;" what I
wanted to say was "You stupid numbfuck idiot! If
you're going to plagiarize something, at least choose something
that people haven't already heard of! I mean, seriously,
jackass--if you're going to try and pass off an Emily Dickinson
poem as your own, use one more obscure than 'Because I Could Not
Stop For Death!'"
And if you're going to plagiarize a TV show theme song, try using
one that won't instantly be recognized by approximately 197,375,725
Amercan citizens.
VikingMoose|12.5.05 @ 1:23PM|#
"Bring 'em Back Alive"
good reference!
240 ROBERT!!!!
MATT HOUSTON!!!!!!
(actually, he'd be good. CJ has a link to Buck Rodgers and 240
Robert. he's an oil guy, to boot!)
|12.5.05 @ 1:36PM|#
(Jennifer: So why couldn't you say that to your students? Everything but the "stupid numbfuck idiot" part, that is.)
|12.5.05 @ 1:51PM|#
Poco--
Because teachers are supposed to feel disdain for students who are
being dishonest, not students who are fucking incompetent at
it.
Other things I wanted to tell them: when you download term papers
in their entirety off the Internet, make sure you know what all the
words in it mean before you turn it in. Like when I asked the
supposed "author" of a paper on The Great Gatsby, "What
did you mean when you said Daisy Buchanan operates 'through the
usage of enamorous mendacity?'"
Honestly, I don't know what bugs me most about our current
government: that it's run by a bunch of pathological liars, or that
they're so fucking incompetent about it. Plagiarizing the theme
song of GI Joe! Yeah, because there's no WAY any American between
the ages of 25 and 60 could possibly fucking recognize it.
Hey, guys, I just wrote a totally original poem, all by myself.
Here it is:
RIO
by Jennifer the Commenter
Moving on the floor now, babe,
you're a bird of paradise
cherry ice cream smile
I suppose it's very nice
with a step to the left and a flick to the right
you catch your mirror way out west
you know you're something special
and you look like you're the best
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river passing through a dusty land
and when she shines she really shows you all she can
oh Rio, Rio, dance across the Rio Grande.
|12.5.05 @ 1:57PM|#
Here's another original poem which, even if I did plagiarize it,
there's absolutely NO way anybody could possibly recognize it as
having been plagiarized, so there's no reason for me to be
reluctant about trying to pass it off as my own original
work:
HEAD LIKE A HOLE
by Jennifer the Commenter
Head like a hole
black as your soul
I'd rather die
than give you control
bow down before the ones you serve
you're gonna get what you deserve
|12.5.05 @ 2:04PM|#
I think they should plagiarize They Might Be Giants
lyrics:
Torturer man, torturer man,
Doing the things a torturer can,
Did inmates die? It's not important,
Is he Shia? Is he ex-Baathist?
Is he working in secret prisons?
Or is he American instead?
Nobody knows, torturer man.
|12.5.05 @ 2:07PM|#
Those are awesome poems, Jennifer. You should copyright them and
publish them.
In fact, in order to encourage the arts to fluorish in the new
liberal beacon of Iraq, submit them to an Iraqi literary
journal.
|12.5.05 @ 2:12PM|#
K.I.T.T. got 200 miles to the gallon. He had a reactor but
needed catalytic reaction.
I am frightened that I know that.
I thought he had some kind of super-efficient turbine-based system.
In one episode, he gets wrecked and Michael has to rip out the
internal bits and make a ramjet out of it.
People with mechanical backgrounds, commence your peals of
laughter.
Be afraid. Be very afraid...
Jeff P.|12.5.05 @ 2:16PM|#
Automan Vs. M.A.N.T.I.S.!
Gold Monkey had a chimp in the cast, hence it was a superior
show.
I would give any administration a degre of slack if just ONCE they
marched out a group of rugged determined looking individuals in
matching jumpsuits and said they were our new line of
defense.
They have to be dark colored jumpsuits. None of that Megaforce
crap...
|12.5.05 @ 2:16PM|#
In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot
to come along telling us why what the government has done in this
case is a really good idea.
Well, I won't say that, as I thing this was wrong...but which of
these articles (if any) had made it into the American press in
order to falsely convince readers of the Macho Sierra Macho ("em
ess em" is so last week!) that our progress in Iraq was just
amazing, as was originally suggested?
Hell, when they're cribbing from Hasbro, does anyone here
really believe that those articles were meant to get back to the US
and falsely sway voter opinion?
|12.5.05 @ 2:19PM|#
I suggest that we train our forces by having them run
through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers
dressed as ghosts.
I supported the project to develop invisible tanks that can bank
shells off walls to hit their targets.
|12.5.05 @ 2:19PM|#
In fact, in order to encourage the arts to fluorish in the
new liberal beacon of Iraq, submit them to an Iraqi literary
journal.
I'm afraid that my brilliant and totally original poems might lose
something in the translation. But I'm working on a prose story that
might be more popular over there. Here's how it starts:
THE BOOK OF GENESIS
another totally original work by Jennifer the Commenter
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And the
earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of
the deep. And the spirit of God moved across the face of the
waters.
Jeff P.|12.5.05 @ 2:19PM|#
thoreau: If there's a Iraqi literary journal, there must also be some form of Readers' Digest. If so, what is there Humor in Uniform like?
|12.5.05 @ 2:21PM|#
Gold Monkey had a chimp in the cast, hence it was a superior
show.
It did? The only animal star I remember was Jake the one-eyed dog.
(Two barks means "yes," one bark means "no.")
|12.5.05 @ 2:22PM|#
Hell, when they're cribbing from Hasbro, does anyone here
really believe that those articles were meant to get back to the US
and falsely sway voter opinion?
Maybe a better question would be: were they dumb enough, in this
era of the Internet, to think that not one such article
would get back to the US, where over half the population would
instantly recognize the source?
|12.5.05 @ 2:28PM|#
"Once our new Airwolf unit arrives in Iraq, I'm sure our
troubles will be over."
Dude,
that's totally f'in airwolf
|12.5.05 @ 2:29PM|#
Maybe a better question would be: were they dumb enough, in
this era of the Internet, to think that not one such article would
get back to the US, where over half the population would instantly
recognize the source?
To answer my own question: yes, they probably were dumb
enough. Believing that this would never come out is no more
difficult than believing the Iraqis would throw flowers at our
soldiers.
|12.5.05 @ 2:30PM|#
So, Jennifer, you're agreeing with me that the whole line that this was a project to fool the American voter is utterly absurd?
|12.5.05 @ 2:30PM|#
These combat vehicles are more than meets the eye. It's said
that the leader of these secret units rides a vehicle called
"Optimus Prime."
What are you talking about, thoreau? Optimus Prime is on our
side!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimus_Prime_%28person%29
I also hear that he's jewish!
|12.5.05 @ 2:43PM|#
"Once our new Airwolf unit arrives in Iraq, I'm sure our
troubles will be over."
To go along with their MacGeyver references above:
A few weeks ago, a special unit known as SG-1 was dispatched to
Iraq to deal with the integration of Iraqi POWs, or, as the unit
leader Col. Jake O'Neill prefers to call them, "snakeheads."
|12.5.05 @ 2:43PM|#
So, Jennifer, you're agreeing with me that the whole line
that this was a project to fool the American voter is utterly
absurd?
The whole fucking war has been a project to fool the
American voter. But this particular pile of steaming bullshit was
intended more for Iraqi consumption.
taking out other stuff on this|12.5.05 @ 3:23PM|#
"Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic
Gen-Xers."
probably are.
there are so many fucking losers in advertising who are just
catching on to what was cool or funny in college, and they're
playing on them.
viz: "LandShark" spot for BMW.
and for people who use hte "Generation X" reference outside of the
70s. But then again, these people would probably describe U2 as
"alternative". pttttffffffff.
(like the reference in the early 70s, and the Brit punk rock group
with Billy Idol)
at least this post could be #69...
|12.5.05 @ 4:25PM|#
Ooh, I've got original poems too!
Hey ladies in the place I'm callin' out to ya
There never was a city kid truer and bluer
There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I've got more hits than Sadaharu Oh
Ton Thumb Tom Cushman or Tom Foolery
Date women on T.V. with the help of Chuck Woolery
Words are flowing out just like the Grand Canyon
And I'm always out looking for a female companion
Vm|12.5.05 @ 4:33PM|#
"Ooh, I've got original poems too!"
[ha ha] and obviously lots of free time [/ha ha]
StevenC: Daaaa Beeearrrrsccchhhhh!
|12.5.05 @ 4:34PM|#
I hear that the sex columnist for one of Baghdad's newspapers
has composed an awesome poem! Roughly translated from Arabic it
says:
I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in
With an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!
|12.5.05 @ 5:01PM|#
*sigh*
I feel angsty. A poem should purge that:
I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I
Expect to find Him laughing
|12.5.05 @ 5:05PM|#
You guys know full well that I have been particularly worried
about how women have been faring in post-liberation Iraq. I have
not been convinced by the "purple fingers outweigh sharia law in
women's everyday lives" arguments. And I'm more worried than ever,
after reading today's "Dear Abbas" advice column in the "Women's"
section of the Baghdad Times:
Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
Cause after all he's just a man
Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
|12.5.05 @ 6:42PM|#
thoreau writes: " hear that the sex columnist for one of
Baghdad's newspapers has composed an awesome poem! Roughly
translated from Arabic it says:"
Actually, thoreau, that's the Abu Ghraib MP fight song.
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