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Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
Did we blog this Onion story yet? If not, we should have. If so, always worth a second read:
Report: 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell There On Drug Charges
HELL--A report released Monday by the Afterlife Civil Liberties Union indicates that nine out of 10 souls currently serving in Hell were condemned on drug-related sins.
"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved streets of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But lately, it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that Heaven doesn't know how to deal with."
Whole thing here. Funny 'cos it's true.
theOneState|10.21.05 @ 11:38AM|#
Nick, I thought the headline was yours. Woulda been one your best ever.
|10.21.05 @ 11:45AM|#
This is almost as funny as last night's CSI. Apparently if you
grow kind bud in your basement the high school football players
your son writes term papers for will slaughter your family and
throw you in a lake.
The fact I watch every week is a credit to how well written and
produced it is. Each episode is like a swift kick to my libertarian
balls.
Jeff P.|10.21.05 @ 11:52AM|#
And when there's no more room in Hell, the stoners will walk the
Earth.
What would a vegetarian zombie crave?
The perceived effects of drugs on CSI is nothing new. I remember
episodes of Adam 12 and Emergency where teenagers on pot (NOT acid)
would grip their heads and cry "I'm freakin' out, maaaaaan!"
|10.21.05 @ 11:56AM|#
War the "Blue Boy" episode of Dragnet!
Like PJ O'Rourke said, "Pot makes you acutely sensitive and in
today's society; what worse punishment is there?"
|10.21.05 @ 12:18PM|#
(shuffle shuffle drool shuffle lurch)
BRAN...
BRAN...
BRAN...
(shuffle lurch shuffle)
|10.21.05 @ 12:25PM|#
Meaning no disrespect to Reason, but The Onion is my favorite libertarian publication. Reason comes in #2, then The Economist (yeah, I know, not pure libertarian, but they have enough sympathies in that direction).
|10.21.05 @ 12:29PM|#
It's not just the perceived drug effects that get me. It�s worse
than that. The family on last nights show seemed to be a happy and
healthy one, but the evil plant in their basement was their death
certificate.
And according to CSI, if you're into kinky sex, gambling, going to
strip clubs, or owning guns or anything else that's you know fun -
you're fucking doomed to a grisly death.
And just once when they ask someone for a DNA sample or to search
their car or home I'd like to hear the words "As soon as you get a
warrant."
But like I said. I still love the show.
|10.21.05 @ 12:36PM|#
BRAINS!
oh and
CHEETOS!
and
BEN AND JERRY'S!
and ooh I could really go for
MOUNTAIN DEW!
and some
WHITE CASTLE!
would fucking rule right now and
TWIZZLERS!
oh yeah and
BRAINS!
dhex|10.21.05 @ 12:37PM|#
ever notice that only the guilty ever ask for a warrant?
on all of these fucking shows?
|10.21.05 @ 12:45PM|#
cuz hey, if you're innocent, what do you have to hide?
That's why I can't fucking stand those shows.
|10.21.05 @ 12:47PM|#
Yeah, I wonder if Jerry Bruckheimer is getting checks from the government to use CSI into an clandestine anti-drug, anti-gun, anti-gambling, and anti-sex PSA. Then again, you can say that about any crime show in this day and age.
|10.21.05 @ 12:53PM|#
ever notice that only the guilty ever ask for a
warrant?
Only because they have something to hide. What are you trying to
hide dhex? Just cooperate and everything will be fine. Civil
liberties are the last refuge of a scoundrel.
Now on to stoned zombies. Ever seen the underrated movie Idle
Hands?
Seth Green and his stoner buddy are killed and become zombies. It's
not because they possessed or something. It's just because when
they die they see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's
really beautiful and all, but it's like really, really far away
dude. So they just stay on earth and smoke a bowl and play video
games.
|10.21.05 @ 12:58PM|#
"Ever seen the underrated movie Idle Hands?"
That movie is great. And even if it wasn't, it would be worth
watching just to stare at Jessica Alba.
Jeff P.|10.21.05 @ 1:26PM|#
dhex, I hang my head in shame that I did not think of "grains."
My geek mojo has failed me.
As true stoners tend to shuffle and mumble, It might be tough to
tell if they're dead or not.
|10.21.05 @ 1:32PM|#
ever notice that only the guilty ever ask for a
warrant?
on all of these fucking shows?
I can remember one episode of SVU where a guy refused on principle,
and was innocent. But only that one, as most times these shows go
out of their way to remind us of how inconvenient legal protections
for suspects make things for the cops.
|10.21.05 @ 1:33PM|#
For a non-satiric take on religion and drug policy, one of the
mailing lists I'm on earned me a letter from the Interfaith Drug Policy Initiative.
They list an impressive roster of denominations supporting their
positions, the most prominent of which is drug sentencing
reform.
It's the first I had heard of them. They're worth looking up if you
want to see some sane drug policy proponents from a decidedly
middle America stance.
dhex|10.21.05 @ 2:15PM|#
"But only that one, as most times these shows go out of their
way to remind us of how inconvenient legal protections for suspects
make things for the cops."
yeah, basically.
"if it weren't for this goddamn, bleeding-heart constitution,
mccoy, we'd have solved the problem of crime by now!"
|10.21.05 @ 2:24PM|#
The worst example of the "civil liberties get in the way" stuff
was on 24 several months ago. A lowly terrorist henchman is busted.
His main duty seemed to be helping smuggle people out of the
country after they finished their role in the operation.
Miraculously he knew exactly where to find the Big Bad Terrorist
Boss.
(If I were an evil mastermind, my lowly henchmen would take orders
via telephones and intermediaries, and never actually find out the
location of my secret hideout.)
When the henchman is captured, the Big Bad Terrorist Boss calls
"Amnesty Global" and says that a guy is being held in custody
without access to legal counsel, and will be tortured. Within about
10 minutes a lawyer shows up with a court order and a US Marshall
to enforce it.
The "good guys" solved the problem by releasing the henchman from
custody, waiting for his lawyer and US Marshall to depart, and then
capturing and torturing him. After about 15 seconds of torture he
broke and gave away the location of the Big Bad Terrorist Boss's
secret hideout.
Of course, when attractive women are captured on 24 they're usually
offered immunity deals. The lesson? If you're a terrorist and
you're afraid you might be caught, it helps to have cleavage.
|10.21.05 @ 2:24PM|#
Funny 'cause it's true and UNfunny in real life.
TWIZZLERS! oh yeah and BRAINS!
...And some Funyuns. Yeah.
|10.21.05 @ 2:28PM|#
I was watching SVU last night where Elliot kicked down the door
of a suspect BEFORE they got a search warrant. Then they made the
ADA look bad because for some reason she couldn't produce a warrant
on the spot. I just wanted to yell at the screen, "But she's
right!"
Yes, the suspect was a scumbag (and played by Martin Short of all
people) and time was of the essence but at least don't make the ADA
look like an obstructionist ass whenever she wants to follow the
rules. Hell, they should be thanking her for not getting every case
Elliot handles thrown out of court.
|10.21.05 @ 3:01PM|#
Yes, the suspect was a scumbag (and played by Martin Short
of all people) and time was of the essence but at least don't make
the ADA look like an obstructionist ass whenever she wants to
follow the rules. Hell, they should be thanking her for not getting
every case Elliot handles thrown out of court.
But my question is, did Mariska Hargitay (sp) get a change to work
in there how she was a child of rape?
'Cause I think that means you don't need a warrant...
|10.21.05 @ 3:29PM|#
Dirty Harry has always presented a great conundrum for
libertarian leaning types. On one hand he stomps all of the rights
we cherish, but on the other he sticks it to officious bureaucrats
we hate. And he likes guns.
The same goes for all of his pop culture offspring. We love the
lone wolf that plays by his own rules on film or TV. But we fear
him in reality.
|10.21.05 @ 3:29PM|#
I think police training should contain a semester long class on the constitution, you know, just so they know what exactly they're there for.
|10.21.05 @ 3:32PM|#
Had to laugh at the FBI possibly loosening their pre-employment
standards on prior drug use. On the one hand all the "get tough"
and "zero tolerance" programs suggest drug users are useless pond
scum who should be locked away forever, and on the other the FBI
was whining that they have to turn away high-quality job applicants
for minor drug use in their past.
So which is it, children? Useless pond scum or high-quality
applicants? Is this determined by whether or not the person gets
caught?
We live in a strange, mysterious world.
|10.21.05 @ 3:59PM|#
I can only hope that all you people who consider drug use to be innocuous, that all your children will enjoy the benefits of you philosophy. This way my children will out perform yours in academia and the work force. And that is the correct outcome.
|10.21.05 @ 4:13PM|#
RA,
Keep riding your kids to outperform everyone and they're going to
discover drugs all on their own.
By the way, what do you pull down a year? I'm doing pretty well for
myself. Drugs and all.
|10.21.05 @ 4:21PM|#
RA-
Actually when and if I decide to have kids, they'll be raised in
the great libertarian tradition of being able to put holes in
things with great precision using high-velocity lead-relocation
devices.
And then they can clean them for me. (Hey, what's the point of
having kids if they aren't going to do any chores?)
|10.21.05 @ 4:22PM|#
CSI taught me that doing PCP will turn you into a crazed
cannibal and you'll eat your friends in an orgy of lust and
violence.
And RA,
I can only hope that if you consider alcohol use to be innocuous,
that all your children will enjoy the benefits of your philosophy.
This way my children will out perform yours in academia and the
work force. And that is the correct outcome.
dhex|10.21.05 @ 4:25PM|#
"This way my children will out perform yours in academia and the
work force."
we are the sobrie-borg!
|10.21.05 @ 4:35PM|#
I can only hope that all you people who consider drug use to
be innocuous, that all your children will enjoy the benefits of you
philosophy. This way my children will out perform yours in academia
and the work force. And that is the correct outcome.
Ha, ha! Sorry guys. RA is my robot. I programmed him to say that,
just to piss you all off.
So, anybody got any cocaine or mushrooms? I've got a long weekend
ahead of me.
|10.21.05 @ 4:45PM|#
I think Intelligent Design has its merits. Why don't you guys
want it taught in science class? After all, lots of scientists
agree with it.
And why shouldn't local governments take private property to build
stadiums? Sports franchises generate lots of revenue.
What's wrong with gun control? After all the cops can protect you.
That's what we pay them for.
And so what if the feds want to know what books you check out of a
library? I mean if you have nothing to hide what's the
problem?
Morgan Spurlock makes a lot of good points.
|10.21.05 @ 5:36PM|#
"Funny 'cos it's true?" It's true that 92 Percent Of Souls In Hell Are There On Drug Charges?
|10.21.05 @ 5:46PM|#
Obviously you haven't been doing your stats homework,
Phil.
I suggest you read Hell's Almanac 2005 before you embarass yourself
further.
|10.21.05 @ 5:51PM|#
"I can only hope that all you people who consider drug use
to be innocuous, that all your children will enjoy the benefits of
you philosophy. This way my children will out perform yours in
academia and the work force. And that is the correct
outcome."
Unless, of course, 'our' children are smarter than yours - stupid
parents tend not to have smart kids. Or if some of the drugs 'our'
children choose to take are performance-enhancing (weren't the
pro-War on Some Drugs people on here crowing about how drug use
could give students an unfair advantage, a little while back?)
|10.21.05 @ 11:45PM|#
"This way my children will out perform yours in academia and
the work force."
we are the sobrie-borg!
"It appears
that the collective have stopped their attack ... and are having a
keg party."
James Anderson Merritt|10.22.05 @ 12:06AM|#
Nick-
I read most of the Onion piece to my wife, who reacted as you
would, had I recited a Lenny Bruce routine to you.
Just goes to prove that one person's heaven is another's hell, I
guess.
Larry A|10.22.05 @ 2:00PM|#
I think police training should contain a semester long class
on the constitution, you know, just so they know what exactly
they're there for.
Actually, such a class could easily be taught in a week or so. Just
end up the last lesson with, "And all the other stuff Congress says
the Constitution lets them do? Well it don't."
On the one hand all the "get tough" and "zero tolerance"
programs suggest drug users are useless pond scum who should be
locked away forever, and on the other the FBI was whining that they
have to turn away high-quality job applicants for minor drug use in
their past.
Sort of like when they asked parents to lie to their kids about the
parent's juvenile drug use. Because it would "confuse" their
kids.
Yeah.
As in "If everyone who takes a hit of MJ ends up OD on coke and
meth and H, where did all these solid-citizen parents come
from?"
|10.22.05 @ 9:26PM|#
"Hell was created to keep dangerous sinners off the gold-paved
streets of Heaven," ACLU spokesman Barry Horowitz said. "But
lately, it's become a clearing-house for the non-evil souls that
Heaven doesn't know how to deal with."
If there are red-lights on the gold-paved streets, that alone, will
cause me to say to St. Peter, "Thanks, but no thanks."
I wonder if the Reason Foundation might consider changing its
slogan from "Free minds. Free markets" to "a clearing-house for the
non-evil souls that Heaven doesn't know how to deal with."
Could Robert Poole get jiggy with that?
|10.23.05 @ 9:07PM|#
"That's why I can't fucking stand those shows"
And that's why The Wire is way above'em
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