Katrina: God's Fag Smacking Fist of Fury

Jeff Taylor | September 1, 2005

Forget the Army Corps of Engineers or global warming, the real source of New Orleans' misery is its tolerance for sin and wickedness in its French Quarters (sic). At least that's the claim of something called Repent America, which sees a divine hand behind the destruction, a Travis Bickle-style real rain to cleanse the filthy streets.

And not just the soccer mom sin of beads-for-boobs during Mardi Gras, we're talking a circuit party, the most Almighty affronting thing on Earth. Southern Decadence -- a "Celebration of Gay Life, Music & Culture" -- was to kick off yesterday and run through Labor Day.

As for the good people of Mississippi, who knows what they did, but they probably had it coming too.

Comments

|9.1.05 @ 9:54AM|#

Mississippi got it in exchange for their sinful gambling casinos. And Alabama got hit because God figured fuck it, it's only Alabama.

KipEsquire|9.1.05 @ 10:01AM|#

On the other hand, Louisiana went out ot its way, via a special September ballot, to pass an anti-gay amendment last year. Perhaps they were smote for that.

The Flying Spaghetti Monster works in mysterious ways.

|9.1.05 @ 10:06AM|#

What's a circuit party?

|9.1.05 @ 10:07AM|#

It's only the 1st and you've already won the prize for "headline of the month". Outstanding.

|9.1.05 @ 10:07AM|#

It's like a rainbow party, except without the colored lipstick. And females.

|9.1.05 @ 10:10AM|#

What's a rainbow party?

|9.1.05 @ 10:11AM|#

It's only the 1st and you've already won the prize for "headline of the month". Outstanding.

I agree, upon second reading. I think a hyphen is missing between "fag" and "smacking", which led me to scratch my head at first.

|9.1.05 @ 10:12AM|#

These assholes are local to me (Lancaster County, PA). Our own little local band of Fred Phelpses.

|9.1.05 @ 10:12AM|#

I'm hoping the imminent San Francisco hurricane doesn't hit us God-fearing folks here in San Diego. Oh well, I guess there's a price to be paid for living in proximity to such sinfulness.

And hey, why the hell hasn't God smoten Vegas yet? Lazy bastard.

drf the spicy meatball|9.1.05 @ 10:13AM|#

ALL HAIL FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER!

and a rainbow party is where kermit and the other muppets sing songs and frollic in amongst the lillypads.

it's either that or a fight in the fruit stripe gum factory across town there.

|9.1.05 @ 10:14AM|#

And hey, why the hell hasn't God smoten Vegas yet?

He is waiting for the upcoming Reason event.

|9.1.05 @ 10:14AM|#

Andrew:

Don't worry. I'm working on it.

|9.1.05 @ 10:14AM|#

"[God] sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust." (Matthew 5:45)

And if a few thousand innocent (presumably heterosexual) New Orleanese have to die in order to smite the evil sodomites, so be it.

drf the short order cook|9.1.05 @ 10:16AM|#

Rhywun: of course. that's the american way (build in god's image, naturally). destroy village to save it. spill constitutional milk to save the (herr) pie, get a hummer under the desk from an intern.

it's all there. BALL BEARINGS!!!!!!!!!

|9.1.05 @ 10:19AM|#

I would argue that even Travis Bickle isn't half as crazy as these sons of bitches.

I swear to God, this makes me want to believe in hell. Because that is exactly where these fundamentalist cocksuckers would go. The look on their faces when they face the final justice would be beyond priceless.

|9.1.05 @ 10:20AM|#

Can't we please bring back the mellow, forgiving God of the Old Testament? He was willing to spare Sodom and Gomorrah if he'd found a mere ten righteous people between the two of them. With all the churches down South, I'm sure there were far more than ten righteous people between N'Awlins, Alabama and Mississippi, and yet he STILL smote the hell out of them?

Man, God's getting bitchier and bitchier in his old age.

|9.1.05 @ 10:21AM|#

Pat Robertson obviously called on God to rain this one down.

When the Chavez thing backfired, I guess he figured he'd nail something closer to home.

|9.1.05 @ 10:24AM|#

Madpad--

Sooner or later a big one's going to hit Virginia Beach. And as much as I'd hate to see the home of my childhood destroyed, I hope it comes soon, preferably this season, so I can hear Pat Robertson explain why God smote Robertson's own home and headquarters.

PLEEEEEEEASE let the Big One hit Virginia Beach before Pat Robertson dies. Please please please. I'll even go to church if that's what it takes.

And please let my friends down there just happen to be up here in Connecticut visiting me when it happens.

|9.1.05 @ 10:24AM|#

"And hey, why the hell hasn't God smoten Vegas yet?"

They keep letting him win at blackjack.

Timothy|9.1.05 @ 10:26AM|#

You mean like his maid?

|9.1.05 @ 10:28AM|#

Winner of the Michael Moore sound-alike competition:

"But why didn't God just smite the east or west coast? Doesn't He know THAT'S where all the sinners, homos, pinkos, liberals, registered Democrats and fellow-travellers live??!? Louisiana voted for BUSH!"

|9.1.05 @ 10:34AM|#

They were growing and eating too much rice in LA and MS. They will learn that they need to eat more pasta, no more jumbalaya!

last word on wrong thread|9.1.05 @ 10:35AM|#

It is inappropriate to make fun of religious wackos on a political thread. Libertarianism is now dead and the Reason Foundation's mission has been subverted.

|9.1.05 @ 10:41AM|#

Libertarianism is now dead

Oh, damn. And we were this close to winning the White House, too.

drf|9.1.05 @ 10:43AM|#

wow, Jennifer - that's a good ten inches!

|9.1.05 @ 10:44AM|#

The gay population, probably having a higher mean income, evacuated easily (and in style).

According to Christians, the wrath of God is a win-win situation. If God smites someone evil, He is simply sending them to hell. If God smites someone good, he is simply gathering them to His heavenly bosom.

That is why this is obviously the work of our one true lord, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. New Orleans, once a haven for the beloved Pirate, now has very few dressed in full regalia. Consequently, the FSM reached out with his Noodly Appendage...

|9.1.05 @ 10:50AM|#

I don't think it is inappropriate. Wackos have a political agenda as well. When THESE wackos claim that God smote N.O. for the "heathen homos" then right there, they go against the "to each his own" premise of Libertarianism and therefore becomes fair game.

Libertarianism is about minimalist government intervention in the decisions of people, economically, politically, religiously, sexually, and all other personal avenues.

Not to mention, based on thier Calendar of Events, they have political agendas in mind.

|9.1.05 @ 10:52AM|#

I must admit, as a heathen, that this is the first I've heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Can one of the Enlightened here possibly school me in the ways of the one true savior?

|9.1.05 @ 10:54AM|#

I have some diligent disciples working on my own Bible, but until then:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster

|9.1.05 @ 11:00AM|#

Well, if Bobby Henderson says so, then of course it's true.

(watched The Burbs too many times: "Well, Ricky Henderson says...")

|9.1.05 @ 11:03AM|#

Shit! I mean Ricky Butler.

(haven't watched The Burbs enough yet, apparently).

|9.1.05 @ 11:37AM|#

smacky, you bleamer, the first you heard of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was Saturday, when I yakked about it at Goose Island and just got funny "huh?" stares for my trouble. :P

Jadagul|9.1.05 @ 11:37AM|#

Rhywun: If I remember correctly, a rainbow party is a party where the girls all wear bright, different-colored lipstick, and when the party's over a certain part of each guy's anatomy is colored like a rainbow.

|9.1.05 @ 11:41AM|#

As for the good people of Mississippi, who knows what they did, but they probably had it coming too.

All I'm going to say to that is that a certain US senator lost his 154-year-old house in Pascagoula. Probably lost all his "Thurmond in '48" memorabilia, too.

|9.1.05 @ 11:46AM|#

Steven,

Ooops. I must've dismissed your comment as a drunken rant. I'll know better next time.

|9.1.05 @ 11:47AM|#

Jennifer,
That's already happened. If I remember correctly, it was about 6 years ago (Bonnie?). It was originally slated to hit DC prompting Pat to say that it was to smite the evil liberals who were ruining the country. At the last minute, oops, it veered off course and hit Va. Beach instead.
It would have been a bit funnier if I hadn't lost part of my roof in the process. I don't know what it was that I had done to deserve it. I do remember cursing a few times.

|9.1.05 @ 11:50AM|#

But I wasn't even drunk! ;)

|9.1.05 @ 11:51AM|#

ah, here's a graphic. Someone could easily take the pic and add a little Pat RObertson head on the spot where the hurricane reached land for comic effect.
http://www.usatoday.com/weather/huricane/1998/wbonnie2.htm

|9.1.05 @ 11:53AM|#

Ah, Steven, but I was. ^_^

Were you drinking at all? Or are you a teetotaler?

|9.1.05 @ 11:54AM|#

I was drinking very slowly, preserving my funds.

I now have MANY funds, so am somewhat more liable to imbibe with gusto this weekend. :)

Franklin Harris|9.1.05 @ 11:57AM|#

The truth is Thor accidentally dropped his hammer. He's really bummed about the whole thing.

|9.1.05 @ 11:59AM|#

Flying Spaghetti Monster:

My soul is yours. I humbly petition thee to grant me lordship over peanut sauce. I vow to never fail thee, as my one true master.

|9.1.05 @ 12:05PM|#

Promise of a stripper factory and a beer volcano in Heaven.

Flying Spaghetti Monster

I believe. I believe.

Ramen!

drf aka the goosed island|9.1.05 @ 12:11PM|#

Dammit, Steven. I'm not around. dammit. you still had appropriate gusto last week.

didja see the pics?

Issac: you correctly identified our lord Ramen as "top".

didn't Maxwell and Thor confuse their hammers?

(and i even hate the beatles)

|9.1.05 @ 12:14PM|#

I -ate- with gusto. I -drank- with sloth, taking nearly half an hour to pound down my one beer.

Does anyone remember the seminal "Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em" album?

|9.1.05 @ 12:16PM|#

Wow. In light of all the theories flying about:
God smote The Big Easy because he hates gay people or gambling or nature destroyed it because of global warming or whatever, I'd like to advance my own theory:

God and Nature teamed up to destroy everything down there just to upstage Jerry Bruckheimer and all his shitty disaster movies.

|9.1.05 @ 12:17PM|#

drf,

pictures? yes? email? to me? please? yes?

The Wine Commonsewer|9.1.05 @ 12:17PM|#

Best Header In A LONG Time. VBG

Jeff P.|9.1.05 @ 12:35PM|#

So, nobody's blaming the hurricane on the fact that NO is a irredeemably corrupt city where everything is taxed astronomically (except liquor, which so cheap as to be considered free), the city gov't rakes in millions (none of which goes to things like roads), and things like cabs are so regulated that occasional shootings wars have erupted between drivers for fares.
Inner city NO is easily the most poverty striken city I have ever seen. Worst than Philly, Detroit, or Springfield Ma (where I grew up, and known for its Free Clinic District).

Jeff P.|9.1.05 @ 12:43PM|#

Or it could have been all the Vampires asleep underneath it.

|9.1.05 @ 12:44PM|#

The first time I went to NO, we got lost in our rental car. We eventually ended up under a highway bridge, where we saw some fine locals standing around and watching an old car on fire. We didn't stick around for the conclusion.

|9.1.05 @ 1:00PM|#

Is it possible that Pat Robertson got through to god regarding Hugo Chavez......and GOD missed....! Sorry Pat
rolled a giant New Orleans smashing gutterball on your last request!

Jeff P.|9.1.05 @ 1:00PM|#

Also, if God intends to destroy a city, and chooses New Orleans, well, that's pretty fucking lazy. Hardly a challenge. Pick someplace hearty. San Fran and Tokyo have both been smacked around by the best of disasters and are still standing. Take one of them out.
But no. God says "I'll take the place below sea-level with a decaying infrastructure and piss-poor emergency procedures. That'll show'em."

Also, we just got word that a big trans-network tribute special will be aired next Tuesday or Wednesday in primetime. Waiting for details now.

Also also, if you haven't heard: The Jerry Lewis telethon, fully aware that they will not get much money for MD while there's a disaster going on, will incorperate hurricane relief into thier broadcast. Word is that all the pre-taped celebrity appeals are being re-shot as we speak.

drf|9.1.05 @ 1:20PM|#

hokae.

will send..... :)

(am not responsible for taking said snaps, mind you).

Mr. Crane: no i don't know that album. But "thanks", as Per Ubu is back in my head...

|9.1.05 @ 1:25PM|#

duh. most of those folks voted for King George. no wonder.

|9.1.05 @ 1:34PM|#

drf,

Don't trouble yourself. Steven already forwarded me them, and I realized not too long ago that linguist had actually sent them to me a few days ago in an attachment that I did not heed.

(am not responsible for taking said snaps, mind you).

Yes, I know. They're awful. I seem to be wearing me "drunk face" in most of them (eyes 2/3 shut, wide grin). Not my finest photgraphic moments.*

*Those will be available in the "Hit and Run Girls Gone Wild: Rescue Relief" special photographic album spread, for only 4 easy installments of $29.95 (a considerable portion of which will go to hurricane relief).

|9.1.05 @ 1:39PM|#

I wanna see! I wanna see the pictures too!

|9.1.05 @ 1:43PM|#

Jennifer,

Only if you promise not to share them with any other H&R people. Or at least not the really, really bad ones of me.

|9.1.05 @ 1:45PM|#

The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella
But chiefly on the just because
The unjust stole the just's umbrella.

It seems appropriate, somehow.

|9.1.05 @ 1:58PM|#

Nice theory, but the good Christian righties in St. Tammany and the other exurbs (who only go to New Orleans when they have guests or to protest Southern Decadence) are just as homeless. The flooding does look biblical, though.

It's dangerous for any of all y'all (and me, too) to take opinions based on what we see on TV.

|9.1.05 @ 2:16PM|#

I promise, Smacky. By the way, did you get my response to your e-mail?

|9.1.05 @ 2:18PM|#

Jennifer,

Yes, I did....still need to reply to you, at that. Thanks for responding.

Done and done.

|9.1.05 @ 2:24PM|#

I didn't read all the posts, so I apologize if this has been mentioned.

I saw on the news that the French Quarter is actually above sea level, and has largely been spared any big damage.

"Damn!" said God, "Missed it by that much!"

|9.1.05 @ 2:46PM|#

i am having a hard time seeing the differnces between crazy religiouse nuts and crazy global warming nuts...i guess the only differnce being that the crazy religiouse nuts are ineffectual while the global warming nuts have a UN panel.

|9.1.05 @ 2:47PM|#

If this is devine retribution why did God take out the Catholic church in Biloxi. Does he not like the new Pope?

|9.1.05 @ 3:13PM|#

Smacky--

The emails arrived, but I'm waiting until I get home to download the pictures.

|9.1.05 @ 3:17PM|#

I'm waiting until I get home to download the pictures.

Jennifer,

That's probably a wise idea, considering all of the debauchery going on in them. Best not to alert your workplace's PC smut filters!

|9.1.05 @ 3:23PM|#

Reject the false teachings of the Evil Spaghetti Monster! C'thulhu is the way and the truth, and those who turn from his teachings will face the righteous fury of gnashing teeth when our great God awakens from his torpid slumber! Just slightly before the faithful...uh...also...face gnashing teeth. Uh...

C'thulhu Saves!

(He might get hungry later)