Please Fondle My Buttocks

Tim Cavanaugh | July 9, 2005

Throw away that esperanto dictionary! If you want to speak the world language, all you need is the French Amazon bestseller Découvrez le globish. Act now and you can order it with a copy of Don't Speak English: Parlez Globish. Globish is the official language of the hyperpuissance, a souped up version of Newspeak where you speak a vastly simplified English vocabulary and the foreigners rip you off with no further misunderstandings. And it's not just for the French; with Globish you can pass partout. Sadly my high hopes for ending the malentendus with my inlaws where dashed when I realized that Globish still requires a 1,500-word English vocabulary; I'm not sure my inlaws know 1,500 words of Arabic, let alone English. And the official Globish site doesn't inspire confidence when it defines the new language as "English light." If we're really going simple, shouldn't that be "English lite?"

Explanatory article in English and Globish, and a simplifaid pranansiashan gaid that will leave you mor kunfyoozed than wen yu startid.

Comments

|7.9.05 @ 4:35PM|#

My fingertips have been eaten by wolverines.

|7.9.05 @ 5:25PM|#

Nie rozumiem dlaczego jezyk polski nie powinien byc jezyk globalny.

|7.9.05 @ 5:27PM|#

Ma perche il polacco? Il mondo deve parlare la lingua di Dante.

|7.9.05 @ 5:30PM|#

Lama lo ivrit, ha lashon shel ha-elohim?

|7.9.05 @ 5:51PM|#

I've heard that 1,500 words number bandied about in regards to other languages--I think that's pretty standard for being able to fight your way through a typical text. I just checked the ol' Wheelock's, and I estimate that there are about 1,500 words in the vocabulary section in the back.

...I could have sworn I heard the magic 1,500 number used in reference to German too.

"I'm not sure my inlaws know 1,500 words of Arabic, let alone English."

I've had a couple ex-stal..I mean...ex-girlfriends track me down by way of this site. I never married a one of 'em, but, still, I don't have the cajones to write somethin' like that. ...especially since they seem to know where I've been hangin' out.

Does your wife know what you do for a living, Tim?

I guess other people don't have to worry about, you know, the psycho-chick stuff, but I seem to attract 'em like a two-for-one straight jacket sale. ...I'd hate to think they weren't that way when we met.

|7.9.05 @ 7:07PM|#

hehe, I love the "american" language part they have.

This little tidbit of literary joy is amiable and a slam dunk to peruse, notwithstanding the fact that it has the overwhelming gall to propose a revamping of our methods of verbal exchange around the world.

This is really how "american" sounds. It's not as if they *tried* to make it hard to understand or anything.

And is a phrase like "put down" really easier to understand than a word like "embarrased"?

|7.9.05 @ 7:07PM|#

I never realized it before, but apparently all of my Nigerian scam email is written in Globish.

|7.9.05 @ 7:33PM|#

I will not consider this to be a real language until William Shatner stars in a Globish language movie.

|7.9.05 @ 7:33PM|#

The CD's I bring home from the library are rarely in English. That way, rather than "Light my fire" being repeated a hundred times, I can "interpret" it as "fondle my buttocks."

(Life--life?-- is good up here in my attic.)

|7.9.05 @ 7:59PM|#

Wachu talkin'bout, Willis?

Ron Hardin|7.9.05 @ 8:29PM|#

C.K.Ogden came up with ``Basic English'' long ago http://ogden.basic-english.org/intlword.html , the best part being the ``poetic annex.''

My only criticism is that they have ``cleavage'' in the geology section.

|7.9.05 @ 9:16PM|#

Ron,
Should "cleavage" be in the palm-reading section?

Who's "fault" is cleavage anyhow?

|7.9.05 @ 9:26PM|#

Ron, cleavage - Grand Tetons - geology, makes sense.

I like Ben Franklin's simplified english best but that isn't to say that Twain's isn't without merit. What I'd like to know is why does everyone add -ish as some universal modifier to indicate a language? There's english, spanish and what? I suppose it could be worse, just imagine globese, or did the jack-booted diet police take that already?

|7.9.05 @ 9:33PM|#

Eddie:

Esperanto is intended to be a universal language and it doesn't end with the suffix -ish. You're probably more familiar with Pig Latin, which has been suggested as the lingua franca of libertarians.

James B.|7.9.05 @ 9:56PM|#

"My hovercraft is full of eels."

|7.9.05 @ 10:12PM|#

"Pig Latin, which has been suggested as the lingua franca of libertarians."

Oohay suggested it, amSay?

|7.9.05 @ 10:56PM|#

Usggesteday. Ouryay igpay atlinlay is ockenbray.

|7.9.05 @ 10:58PM|#

Uggesteday. I avehay a obremplay ithway ypostay.

|7.9.05 @ 11:07PM|#

La Californie ... sait � la partie!

|7.10.05 @ 12:02AM|#

So they want us all to sound like a 6th grader writing a book report?

|7.10.05 @ 12:41AM|#

Llama llama llama duck!!!

|7.10.05 @ 12:42AM|#

But then, I'm partial to llamas.

|7.10.05 @ 12:49AM|#

New, here, love the site so far.

As for this 'globish' phenomenon (wait, perhaps I should say 'globish' event...), this is the first I've actually heard of it. Interesting enough to say the least. I do however think that there is something to be said for simplified english - not stupified english of course. Less can often be more - most of my favorite authors after all write with an elegant simple style. Unlike me. In this post.

|7.10.05 @ 2:51AM|#

"Basic English" was a fad in the middle 20th century. Until people realized that idioms and prepositional verbs (to put up with, make do, and so on) are discreet lexemes that can't be pieced together simply by knowing what the component words are. "Put up with" is one word (with detachable parts) in the same way that "dog" is one word. Attempts to simplify language, as the current example demonstrates, are invariably the work of cranks or of amateurs with no knowledge of linguistics.

|7.10.05 @ 3:45AM|#

Try our new "Basic Arabic:" durka durka, booga booga booga Mohammed Jihad.

|7.10.05 @ 5:27AM|#

I will not consider this to be a real language until William Shatner stars in a Globish language movie. - dead e.

I believe that in the Trekverse, Globish evolves into Anglic. In the world of the the Legion of Super-Heroes it becomes interlac.

Kevin

|7.10.05 @ 12:04PM|#

Those who want to simplify the language have no respect for literature, subtlety, or (as mentioned above) linguistics.

And you think English is hard? Try Chinese with their four "tones" which can make a word have four completely different meanings depending on which tone you use. Not to mention the fact that if you weren't raised in that culture, it is very difficult to develop the ability to hear -- and even moreso, pronounce -- those tones. It is similar to how some Asians have trouble pronouncing the English "l" sound and it ends up sounding like "r". Our verbal abilities are developed very early in life and are hard to develop later on.

|7.10.05 @ 2:50PM|#

What a really cool title to a crappy thread.

Esperanto, globish, WTF. Just learn English fuckers.

I figure the globe can narrow down to three languages, English, Spanish, and Arabic. I speak two of those, and am learning the third.

The first language that should be decomissioned is french.

And whatever the hell those Russians were speaking in the beginning of the thread.

Solon|7.10.05 @ 3:06PM|#

the aviation industry, in the early 90's, decided a simplified and unified version of english was necessary, in order for its aircraft's manuals to be as easy to read for non-english users as possible.

so, with "no respect for literature, subtlety, or (as mentioned above) linguistics", they invented Simplified English

TheWalrus|7.10.05 @ 3:12PM|#

Kwais. The complete lack of any asian languages on that list is interesting. I'd think that if over a billion people speak a language it might be worth keeping it around. As if we had any real choice.

|7.10.05 @ 4:51PM|#

Kwais:

You need a comma after fuckers; otherwise, it sounds as if there's game or something called English Fuckers that you're encouraging everybody to learn. What's your native language?

|7.10.05 @ 4:56PM|#

Kwais:

Sorry, you need a comma after English. My native language is Enlish. Really. Pero hablo espanol muy bien.

|7.10.05 @ 7:01PM|#

Esperanto is intended to be a universal language and it doesn't end with the suffix -ish.
Sam, what I was refering to was all the bullshit languages as seen in toys and movies like elvish, spanglish, furbish... At any rate, I expect globish to get somewhat less legitimacy than ebonics, but only because they didn't call it ebonish.

Marcvs - You're talking about Mandarin, while it's the official "Chinese" it's hardly the most difficult if tones are troublesome. Taiwanese has 7 tones and Cantonese has up to 9 (it's at least 6 but there is some disagreement on the topic). Personally, I like mandarin and from what I've learned in cantonese, it isn't that bad either.

kwais - I'd swap mandarin for spanish and vote to bring back latin to replace arabic. I'd only keep english around because it makes it easy to type pinyin.

|7.10.05 @ 10:33PM|#

And you think English is hard? Try Chinese with their four "tones"...

Most linguists will tell you that all languages are equally difficult to learn. For example, in my experience, learning Mandarin is no more difficult than learning German or Italian. Difficulties in one area of a language, such as tones in Mandarin, are usually made up for by simplifications in other areas of the language, such as the complete lack of verb endings to mark person. Anyway, there's nothing "mystical" about the tones; mastering them just takes lots of practice.

Just learn English fuckers.

That's a charming attitude. Is it tongue-in-cheek?

|7.11.05 @ 12:50AM|#

You guys have absolutely no knowledge of the future. According to Firefly, the only languages to survive will be Chinese and English. And Joss Whedon is never wrong.

|7.11.05 @ 1:06AM|#

I wouldn't complain if Europe went with Latin as its official language. I'd love to get some mileage out of all that conjugating and conjugating.

...Except I think they should force the Greeks to learn French. ...and then the EU should make it a condition of membership that Turkey's must adopt French as its official language. ...Like on that Star Trek episode when the professional peacemaker made both sides learn sign language. ...except it'll be different. ...'cause after a while, they'll ban French.

Oh, and I think Mona should have to learn Arabic and study the Qu'ran. ; )

|7.11.05 @ 1:31AM|#

...Oh, and I think Lonewacko Blog should have to learn Spanish and teach English as a Second Language classes.

|7.11.05 @ 3:08AM|#

Solon:

That would be "ASD Simplified Technical English (tm)" and its purpose "does not attempt to define English grammar or prescribe correct English."

|7.11.05 @ 3:40AM|#

Sam,

'English fuckers', is my first language, though you wouldn't know it from my typos and missing commas. Pero tambien hablo espanol (pero aun soy incapaz de poner la enye en este pagina).

Walrus,
Those billions are eating McDonalds, they can learn to order it in English. They have their different tones, their different dialogs, their whacky letters. Just learn english.

Eddy,
Latin is dead. There is a reason for that. Just let it go dude.
Nobody speaks Mandarin outside of Mandarinistan. Nobody wants to. Yeah there is a lot of them, but they are all wrong. They will come around don't worry.

|7.11.05 @ 9:05AM|#

"How much for a bed-lady?"

|7.11.05 @ 9:21AM|#

The orange juice planet drives the catfish scotch tape. I see the planet sing hotdogs!

|7.11.05 @ 10:26AM|#

My nipples explodes with delight!

|7.11.05 @ 1:22PM|#

Ok, let's do a new language that takes the best parts of all the languages.
First, it has to be tonal, with a total of 9 tones, 3 base tones and 6 transitional tones.
Second, it needs to have conjugations which include gender so there will be a total of 12 different conjugates.
Third, every word must be a combination of 6 syllables, no more, no less, with the fourth devoted to conjugation.
Finally, the last two syllables must be "fuckers"

|7.11.05 @ 3:06PM|#

Funny, funny thread! But most of you are missing the point: languages merely exist so that elite cliques can create their own idiomatic slang. They don't *want* other people to understand them!
Tootle your horn melodiously, indeed!

|7.11.05 @ 4:15PM|#

But most of you are missing the point: languages merely exist so that elite cliques can create their own idiomatic slang. They don't *want* other people to understand them!

Muscle-mystic second-hander!