The 5 Worst Olympic Mascots

From morbidly obese beavers to walking penises, these icons should be banned for life.

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1. Wenlock and Mandeville, mascots of the 2012 London Games.

If British organizers felt a need to wrangle a couple of ambulatory penis-shaped entertainers with attitude, couldn't they have just done what the English have been doing for centuries? That is, couldn't they have just raided Ireland and kidnapped the song-and-dance duo Jedward, an act so awful that they have kickstarted the drive for retroactive reproductive choice on the Emerald Island?

Semioticians note that cycloptic eyes of Wenlock and Mandeville bear a disturbing resemblance to the ubiquitous closed-circuit TV cameras that are everywhere in old Blighty. But the real offense is not in representing the surveillance state while wearing what appear to be crotchless chaps but in failing to do justice to a nation that has at least a passing acquaintanceship with aesthetic success.

"With this country's artistic heritage," opined Ewan McGregor, "this one eyed joke made me sad."

But maybe that's the real function of Olympic mascots after all: Amidst the human perfection and striving represented by a two-week-long competition among the world's greatest athletes, mascots such as Wenlock and Mandeville, Amik the Beaver, Whatzit, and the too-terrifying-to-mention Fuwa bring us all back down to Earth. The mascots of past Games and, one suspects, their yet-to-be born brethren of future Olympics, drive home the fact that however far we run and high we jump, we will, just like Olly, Syd, and Millie - and even Fatso! - fail completely in our quest to make something more of our efforts than abject, humiliating failure. If Olympic athletes remind me us of the best that we might be (especially when it comes to cheating on drug tests), then Olympic mascots function as a memento mori, a remembrance that we will die. And look bad doing it.

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  • Almanian's Evil Twin||

    Aw, c'mon, Nick - the Fuwa are adorable!

    Right up until they unleash the Mongol Hordes™ to bust yer kneecaps for failure to pay back the $75kabazillion your country has borrowed from China.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Huanhuan looks like it is on fire. Maybe the Mongols burnt his village raped the cattle and killed the women and stole the men?

  • Caleb Turberville||

    Prediction: The 2028 St. Louis Summer Olympic Games mascot will be "Archie the the St. Louis Arch", an ill-tempered, Bud-drinking, Cardinals fan who always enters events to the sound of Sheryl Crow's "All I Wann Do."

  • Caleb Turberville||

    And, yes, the band The The will host the opening ceremonies.

  • albo||

    I've been waiting for this moment all of my life

  • Proprietist||

    Hey, I like The The. At least their first album...

  • albo||

    Since the 2016 Olympics are in Rio, I propose the following two mascots:

    Wedgie - the women's beach vollyball bikini bottom that's moved, um, a bit out of place

    Breasty - a topless carioca hottie who strolls the beaches

  • Almanian's Evil Twin||

    I'll be in my bunk...

  • Mr. Soul||

    the name "Rio De Generate" comes to mind.

  • Proprietist||

    Great band name!

  • RBS||

    Sure, but at least one of them has to be a tranny.

  • sarcasmic||

    Wedgie - the women's beach vollyball bikini bottom that's moved, um, a bit out of place

    Like this?

    http://www.paperchaserdotcom.c.....aved-maria

  • Zombie Jimbo||

    I luuuvvs the intrawebs!

  • ||

    5. Amik the Beaver, the mascot of the 1976 Games in Montreal.

    Come on! Who doesn't like a little beaver?

  • Loki||

    scientists have yet to synthesize anything that can make Amik the Beaver look like anything other than a colostomy bag.

    IDK, to me he kind of looks like a big turd with a ribbon around it. Like a really shitty present, IOW.

  • Loki||

    And Izzy kind of looks like Mr. Hankey's retarded cousing who got into a bucket of blue paint once. What is it with turd shaped Olympic mascots?

  • o3||

    it aint just olympic mascots w teh stupid.

    behold slider the tribe mascot...which should be sum stud warrior mascot like florida state.

    http://www.google.com/search?q.....24bih=554

  • ||

    Nice to see Fatso the Fat-Arsed Wombat, the Battler's Prince, get a guernsey as a great mascot that never was.

  • BakedPenguin||

    The official Sydney mascots were the least stupid on the list, but it's a shame Fatso wasn't adopted officially.

    Also - are your news outlets lamenting the dearth of Aussie medals nightly?

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Fatso does look like someone, er, something(?) you'd want to share a pint and laugh with.

  • JD the elder||

    Minor nitpick: there is no way the organizers of the Sydney games were sitting around drinking Foster's, because nobody in Australia drinks that. Seriously. They sell that stuff in America because it got laughed out of Australia.

  • ||

    Barack Obama should be the mascot if a US city wins a bid again sometime, for HE IS GOOD AND JUST AND EMPIRE.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    A bit of a sting after Chicago got dumped ASAP for 2016.

    Besides, our mascot would be a loveable, plush alderman with a large plain brown envelop in one hand and the other behind his back with its fingers crossed.

  • anon||

    Probably the best thing I've seen/read/heard about the Olympics. Ever.

  • ||

    Thank you, Mr. Gillespie. Dick. Fucking Jedward? How much whiskey is it going to take to erase that? Warn a guy next time, would ya?

  • ||

    The mascots of past Games and, one suspects, their yet-to-be born brethren of future Olympics, drive home the fact that however far we run and high we jump, we will, just like Olly, Syd, and Millie - and even Fatso! - fail completely in our quest to make something more of our efforts than abject, humiliating failure.

    Case in point: The one time there was actually a good Olympic mascot, the US boycotted the games!

  • LTC(ret) John||

    They should have gone with "Anatoly the Gulag Bound Dissident".

  • Tim||

    Any reports of those things terrifying children?

  • LTC(ret) John||

    If you showed them to your kids, CPS would show up in a heartbeat.

  • Zeb||

    I have no idea why there is even such a thing as an Olympic mascot or why anyone would think that there should be one.

  • Wiregrass||

    Funniest thing I've read all week. Completely lost it when I clicked on that link for Fatso.

  • Jason S.||

    Hahahaha. Hilarious article. Reason gets the gold.

    Synchronized swimming gets the gold, too.

  • GILMORE||

    However far we run and high we jump, we will, just like Olly, Syd, and Millie - and even Fatso! - fail completely in our quest to make something more of our efforts than abject, humiliating failure

    poetry

  • NL_||

    Olympic mascots are designed by smart people in a room and don't necessarily reflect any history or familiarity with people. It would make more sense to just sell mascot rights in a sponsorship package and let Mickey Mouse or Betty Boop or whatever be the mascot at future games.

    I imagine the Geico gecko or the Coca Cola polar bears would have more resonance if only from familiarity.

  • Emperor Wears No Clothes||

    The best Olympic mascot was obviously Homer Simpson's.

    /too lazy to search for a link.

  • Emperor Wears No Clothes||

    The best Olympic mascot was obviously Homer Simpson's.

    /too lazy to search for a link.

  • Ardelle||

    Design by committee is never a good idea and when it comes to Olympic mascots, it seems like no idea is so bad that it can't be made even more rotten—and then dipped in multiple coats of WTF lacquer. Here's the five worst mascots of the Summer Games.

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