5 Classic Teen Sex-and-Drug Freakouts: Rainbow Parties, Butt-Chugging, And So Much More (By Which We Mean Less)

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2. Rainbow Parties: The Ultimate Oral Tradition

Only parents raised on Penthouse Forum letters could have come up with the idea of a "Rainbow Party," in which young girls (the younger the better!) wear different shades of brightly colored lipstick and successively perform oral sex on a boy, leaving a ROYGBIV spectrum of colors on his penis.

As Cathy Young pointed out in her 2006 Reason story, "The Great Fellatio Scare," the basic mechanics of oral sex undercut the notion almost as much as the absolute lack of evidence that any such gathering has ever happened anywhere outside of the fevered imaginations of grownups writing poorly sourced stories for the Washington Post and other mainstream news outlets.

From Young's piece:

In 2003, this peril was explored by Oprah herself, with the help of O magazine feature writer Michelle Burford, who interviewed 50 girls, some as young as 9, and painted a frightening picture of kiddie debauchery. “Are rainbow parties pretty common?” inquired a rapt Oprah, to which Burford replied, “I think so. At least among the 50 girls that I talked to…this was pervasive.”

Unless pervasive is tween-talk for bullshit—or maybe Jenkem—Rainbow Parties seem about as real as unicorns. 

Next: Blinded By the Light, The Pretty, Pretty Light...

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  • Eduard van Haalen||

    Kids, sex and drugs...well, you've got Roman Polanski's attention.

  • Just Dropping By||

    Too soon! [/Jezebel]

  • JoshSN||

    I knew a group of kids who all did pass-outs.

    The effect is the same as any inhalant, like whip-its, or huffing gas, or anything that deprives the brain of oxygen.

    Brain cells die, and there is an effect.

  • sloopyinca||

    Brain cells die, and there is an effect.

    That explains your series of posts from yesterday, but what happened to those kids?

  • mnarayan||

    Don't you mean "the rest of those kids?"

  • JoshSN||

    Their parents thought publicly funded education was a great injustice, and that child labor laws were impinging on their freedom, so they took the kids to India and Indonesia to work as matchstick girls and shoeshine boys, respectively.

    They might never have learned to read or write very well, and algebra is beyond them, but they understand that it take's a full day's pay to earn a day's gruel plus shelter.

  • Kreel Sarloo||

    Sure, Josh, all those kids in the third world are working in factories because their parents took them out of teh publik skools there.

    Yeah, that factory work is so harsh compared to the public begging, larceny and prostitution that are the kids' other choices there.

    Disclaimer: IMO TIANW with a woman choosing prostitution as a means of earning money. The key operative words are woman and choosing.

  • Pi Guy||

    Dude - what the hell happened to you? Were droppped on your head from the 3rd story balcony?

  • gagster||

    You're right. It's so much better to jail the brats.

  • newshutz||

    "No brain, no effect"--Boris Badenov commenting on the great goof gas scare of the 1960s

  • Carston||

    ...but only the weak brain cells die. I say good riddance to them, more resources for the strong brain cells!!

  • Pi Guy||

    Brain cells die, and there is an effect.


    Wait - there's an effect?

    I believe that the only appropriate response to this statement - and I've thought hard about it - is "No shit, Sherlock." Of course there's an effect! That's precisely why they do it!

    Jeebus, who are you? Do you think no one here thought that choking yourself to near asphyxiation has an effect on the chokee?

  • ||

    And we should throw them in jail because of that?

  • Pound. Head. On. Desk.||

    Even if you believed every word of every panic, kids do stupid stuff. What's news about that? The headlines should read SLOW NEWS DAY, EDITORS PANIC.

  • plu1959||

    Seriously. Have these people never watched an episode of Funniest Home Videos? WHERE'S THE OUTRAGE?

  • sloopyinca||

    So that guy is gonna get blown by a pair of ducks?

  • Heroic Mulatto||

  • ||

    Is that John Mcenroe?

  • Amakudari||

    Yes. IIRC he appears during the "make a nice man out of the meanest" part as well.

  • AlmightyJB||

    "So that guy is gonna get blown by a pair of ducks?"

    Is there anything less sexy then teenagers trying to act sexy?

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    As Cathy Young pointed out in her 2006 Reason story, "The Great Fellatio Scare," the basic mechanics of oral sex undercut the notion...

    It is so hawt that she knows that.

    Drinking hand sanitizer? Maybe the kids didn't want their throats to get SARS at the rainbow party.

  • ||

    I've often wondered how female journalists-- or mothers, for that matter-- could have been taken in by that story, since even a passing familiarity with lipstick renders the whole notion laughable. I don't really think a familiarity with the actual giving of blowjobs is needed to see the impossibility of it. I just know that as someone acquainted with both, the story screams "bullshit."

  • Bill||

    Obviously, for this to work at all, each very young teen girl would simply insert to a certain depth, then press down to leave her mark. The next girl then goes deeper before leaving her mark. It should work. I am perfectly willing to test this. Just need 6 or 7 (legal) girls to help me out. I am willing to settle for women of almost any age over 18 if necessary.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Do you really think this is a good idea, President Clinton?

  • Bobarian||

    I thought in the WH, these were called cigar parties.

  • ||

    The problem with your scenario is that it assumes a level of self-control on the part of young teen boys that isn't known to exist in the real world.

  • Just Dropping By||

    Doesn't each successive girl need to go shallower to preserve the rings?

  • Ice Nine||

    Cinching your nuts up with rope. Inhaling rancid piss and shit vapors. Sticking a big tube up your butt. Man, could it get more fun?

  • ||

    Only if you're a Congressman.

  • ||

    Only if you're a Congressman.

  • Kreel Sarloo||

    You don't need to repeat yourself.

  • ||

    Squirrels.

  • plu1959||

    "Jenkem." I love it.

    Just one death from inhaling fermented fecal fumes is one death too many!

  • Ice Nine||

    Please tell me that the hand sanitizer ingesting craze was born of the jenkem huffing craze.

  • edcoast||

    Even if it were true, it sounds like a "self limiting" fad to me.

  • ||

    Wow! Teenage girls blowing teenage boys? Mobilize the National Guard -- this is a task for... THE GOVERNMENT!

    LEGISLATE! *Power Rangers music*

  • Ice Nine||

    Theoretically at least the guys at rainbow parties should end up with black dicks, not multi-colored. And let's not even go there.

  • ||

    We don't need to go there. Just ask Nancy Pelosi, and you'll get the whole scoop on what's it's like.

  • Pi Guy||

    I see what you did there.

    Rainbows and black dicks. Clever!

  • Heroic Mulatto||

    Back in my day, Rainbow parties hadn't been invented yet. We had to settle for Black and White parties.

  • ||

  • anon||

    Wow! Teenage girls blowing teenage boys? Mobilize the National Guard -- this is a task for... THE GOVERNMENT!

    Seriously. My fiancee could take a freaking lesson.

  • Jake W||

    This is now my signature on every forum I am a member of. Credited to you commenting on reason.com

  • Number 2||

    I can't help thinking that the vodka-soaked tampon story was a practical joke the kids played on gullible adults, hoping one of us would be foolish enough to try it. Sure enough, along came Huffington Post Canada editor Danielle Crittenden...

  • ||

    To be fair, Crittenden's write up about her attempts to reach a vaginally induced state of inebriation was a fucking laff riot, as well as a pretty thorough debunking of the alleged fad. Probably the best non-Balko read that HuffPo has ever provided.

  • Pi Guy||

    It was really good. Unfortunately, like, say, autism and vaccinations, the story can have been long since debunked but can't go away as long a one adult keeps pushing for legislation (see Jenny McCarthy).

    I guess I'm skeptical, and have probably too much experience with drugs and alcohol, but my gut reaction to the first tampon story I read was "Wait - can you get drunk by dunking your hand in a bowl full of Jim Beam?"

    It took all of 0.385 secs to conclude that it was not possible. Why is that so hard for so many reasonably educated and intelligennt adults to likewise call BS?

  • Bill||

    Seems like the other half of the story has not been tested. We need someone to ram a vodka soaked tampon up their ass. Warty??

  • UvalDuvalCuckoo||

    Old school drugs are just too good and too cheap and accessible for any of this to be true. Picture your average teen boy - hit a bong or stick this up your a55. The math is too straightforward. The line about "only a generation brought up on Penthouse letters..." was so dead on

  • ||

    Yeah, my first reaction was to call bullshit on it too. Not that I don't think it's theoretically possible-- vaginal tissue, like the lining of the mouth and nose, should be capable of absorbing substances into the bloodstream; were one bored, say, of dissolving one's nitroglycerine pills under one's tongue, then shoving it up there ought to work. Alcohol, though, presents a logistical issue-- several of them, in fact. Wet tampons are not likely to be easily inserted, and once that hurdle is cleared, assuming the pain doesn't get you, you're still left with only a tiny amount of booze. Tampons aren't meant to hold even a shot glass worth of fluid; women don't customarily bleed pints of blood during their periods.

    It took maybe half a second for all of that to cross my mind, along with thoughts of the squeamishness surrounding publicly acknowledging bodily functions that is common to teenage girls; my second thought was that if any teen girls anywhere actually doing this, my younger daughter would have mentioned it to me. Granted, I also have more than my share of experience with drugs and alcohol, and have raised two girls as well as having once been a teenage girl myself, but it doesn't seem like that level of personal knowledge should be necessary to see through the story.

  • anon||

    Wet tampons are not likely to be easily inserted, and once that hurdle is cleared, assuming the pain doesn't get you, you're still left with only a tiny amount of booze.

    So... Insert tampon first, then fill with choice beverage. Or probably cheap tequila, because I mean really, wouldn't you rather *drink* good liquor than shove it in your ass?

  • Agammamon||

    That require a whole nother level of acrobatics as you try to soak the inserted tampon without spilling liquor all over yourself.

    And if you spill the liquor you smell like liquor, which defeats the whole purpose of using th tampon which is to hide the smell of what your drinking.

  • Xenocles||

    I recall an urban legend that had Stevie Nicks having someone blow cocaine up there with a straw in order to get high without affecting her voice.

    There was an Air Force officer a few years ago who failed a urine test for cocaine. Assuming her story can be believed, the cocaine got into her system when her husband coated his penis with it as an aphrodisiac.

  • Trollificus||

    The cocaine "buzz" can be obtained through any mucous membrane, so vaginal application would work for that.

    However. Cocaine as a topical "aphrodisiac", stimulant or anything else is a BAD idea. :embarrassed face: There's a reason you never read of lubricants having a "crystalline structure".

  • ||

    To be fair, Crittenden's write up about her attempts to reach a vaginally induced state of inebriation was a fucking laff riot, as well as a pretty thorough debunking of the alleged fad. Probably the best non-Balko read that HuffPo has ever provided.

    How can you post that without a link?

  • ||

    Oops, embedded in the story. Sorry.

  • ||

    "...a practical joke the kids played on gullible adults,..."

    Yeah, margaret mead comes to mind here. Ugh.

  • ||

    Unlike the rest of these alleged threats, autoerotic asphyxiation has a long and glorious history of causing death to solo practitioners. The most interesting thing about Carradine's death was his family's absolute openness about the cause. More common are reactions like that of the family of INXS's Michael Hutchence, whose parents insisted on having his death classified, against all evidence, as a suicide; apparently they felt his kids were better off thinking Daddy killed himself than knowing that at least he died happy.

  • Pi Guy||

    And the only one of the 5 stories that likely have any basis in fact.

  • ||

    Exactly. It also should be noted that the so-called choking game is described as occurring in a non-sexual manner, which would seem to remove at least some of the danger of accidentally getting so into it that proper precautions are overlooked. This would be especially true if practiced in a group setting, which is why even folks who practice erotic asphyxiation rarely, if ever, get into trouble when a partner is involved. It's called autoerotic for a reason, and death doesn't seem to usually involve first timers; it seems to more commonly kill people (women as well as men, as it happens) who have been at it for years, who succumb to the twin dangers of needing an increasing amount of stimulation to reach the same highs and becoming too casual about safeguards as familiarity makes the activity seem less dangerous.

    Don't ask me how I know all of this, since I couldn't tell you. It's not a result of personal experience, just a bunch of semi-useless knowledge I've picked up somewhere along the line.

  • Agammamon||

    If they're going the strangulation route here, they're doing it wrong.

    In my day we went for hypocapnia augmented by pressure on the chest.

  • Trollificus||

    Genius hippy cartoonist Vaughn Bode succumbed to this. He created (or purchased, I suppose) and used an auto-asphyxiation device and apparently set it to 11.

  • ||

    I never knew that about Hutchence's parents, that's totally fucked up.

  • ||

    Isn't it, though? His then-girlfriend and baby mama, Paula Yates (the since deceased ex-Mrs. Bob Geldof) was a world-class fuck-up, but on this one thing she tried to do the right thing and get the determination changed to accidental death; she was rightly offended that the family was more concerned with the perceived shame and how it reflected on them than they were with his daughter's feelings. She had no legal standing, however, since they weren't married, so the family's wishes prevailed.

    Incidentally, whatever one thinks of Sir Bob, after Yates' death by overdose he took guardianship of the young daughter she'd had with Hutchence and raised her alongside her half-siblings, something he had neither a legal nor moral obligation to do but which was clearly in the child's best interest.

  • Virginian||

    Bob Geldof is Ned Stark?

  • ||

    No, Ned Stark raised his own bastard alongside the rest of his children; Geldof raised his ex-wife's bastard alongside his own children.

    Unless they changed that part for TV, too.

  • Virginian||

    Damn it and I thought I was being so awesome and clever.

    No, they have changed so many things, but Jon Snow is Ned Starks bastard. Or so he told everyone. Personally, I believe he's the son of Rhaegar Targareyn and Lyanna Stark.

  • Bobarian||

    I think he's the bastard of Ned and Rhaegar's sister.

    As to raising someone else's kid, what about... uh, crap. Brain cramp.

    The iron born son who turns against the Starks. I think he was treated better than Jon Snow.

  • Amakudari||

    Which part, the rainbow dicks or Carradine found dead and naked in a broom closet?

  • Intn'l House of Badass||

    Sex can kill you even if you aren't choking. If not, you're doing it wrong.

  • Bobarian||

    Just ask STEVE SMITH.

  • robc||

    Which is worse, that journalists are THAT gullible or that they actually no better and publish anyway?

  • robc||

    know.

    Damn you homonyms.

  • Ice Nine||

    No homo.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    Know homo?

  • Raven Nation||

    I think they subconsciously know better, but almost all these stories (and things like texting while driving) are always accompanied by some kind of hint that the "problem" could be contained if only there was more regulation. And that, I think, is what many journalists like about them.

  • mybarber||

    With the advent of 24 hour cable news ,local becomes national.The ststs show that crime is down across the board.Imagine if this reporting existed in the late 60's and early 70's.Every crime today is reported as a national trend

  • ||

    Yeah, in the late sixties/early seventies, journalists were way too busy covering real threats, like LSD-induced leaps out of windows in hopes of flying, or drug-addled baby-sitters roasting the baby and diapering the turkey, or razor blades in the halloween candy.

    Oh, wait...

  • mybarber||

    how a bout the corsair,lawn darts and such.But really,there were riots in many cities,highjackings were common and a few wars in the middle east and the so called energy crisis

  • Agammamon||

    Yeah, heh the "energy crisis" such good coverage of the complete fuck-up that government pulled with price-fixing.

    And *lawn darts*, really? The horriblly dangerous product that managed to kill *3* kids in the 10 years before being banned.

  • Trollificus||

    Really. We played with those things for years, no injuries. We even SHARPENED 'em...still nothing.

    I'm reminded of the Onion headline regarding a toy recall:

    "Stupid Kid Spoils Fun For Everyone Else"

  • Sean Mack||

    If an authoritarian makes up a moral panic and drags in the mainstream media, school board, police chief, public health ninnies, etc., that is just a hoax.

    When a libertarian does the same thing to make all of the above look like idiots, that is civil resistance.

    Unfortunately Tina Fey already came up with the highly exotic sex practice of "normaling", or else I'd send that one in to my local paper.

  • Sevo||

    Sean Mack|5.27.12 @ 11:28AM|#
    "If an authoritarian makes up a moral panic and drags in the mainstream media, school board, police chief, public health ninnies, etc., that is just a hoax.

    When a libertarian does the same thing to make all of the above look like idiots, that is civil resistance."

    Uh, what does that mean in English?

  • Sean Mack||

    ...just that it would be funny (and a good way to help nail down the mainstream media coffin) if we who are skeptical or moral panics suddenly decided to flood the system by creating them in jest.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Poor Wittle Baby. Somebody hurt his feewings.

    Groves says he's already contacted the Lexington mayor's office and the Human Rights Commission, and, despite this being an issue of free speech, he wants the message taken down immediately.

    "It made me uncomfortable," said Groves.

    I'm, like, totally tolerant of other people and their beliefs, and, like, totally support free speech. You know, except when it don't mesh with my own beliefs. And any speech representing ideas which isn't approved for me by the liberal elite should be banned.

    How do people like this survive?

  • sticks||

    Beats me. Perhaps the church will replace the sign with one that reads "Joe Groves is an abomination to a free society."

  • Amakudari||

    The most amazing thing is that, at least for the homosexuality part, this isn't even a controversial opinion. It's a quote with a citation. Welcome to Leviticus. Skip ahead to 20:13 to see the punishment revised from exile to death.

  • Killazontherun||

    The comments are depressing. There is no fucking way the First Amendment would pass today.

  • Killazontherun||

    People just suck.

    Spike Truman · Top Commenter
    Oh, great, another liberal who wants the government to force a private company to take down something. The church paid for the billboard. I wonder if he would have issues with atheist billboards proclaiming religion to be a myth?

    Rachael Radcliffe · Top Commenter · Audio Engineer/PR Rep at Valley of Screams
    I've never seen these "Atheist billboards". Please enlighten me.

    Spike Truman · Top Commenter
    Read the news and be enlightened.

    Rachael Radcliffe · Top Commenter · Audio Engineer/PR Rep at Valley of Screams
    Why so hostile? I simply asked for proof of these "Atheist billboards", because I've never seen them, no need to be rude. As for reading the news, I do, and I've never seen anything pertaining to an "Atheist billboard".

    Huffy AND too lazy to Google before challenging a claim.

  • Amakudari||

    In any case, my assumption was that the offended guy was a Christian. I could be wrong, but I would think atheists would only smirk because it's a church paying for the exact kind of billboard a Freedom from Religion type would make.

  • John||

    I don't get why what other people do can bother someone so much. Who cares? It is a sign. Just don't join the church, problem solved. Why is that so hard for these people?

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Why is that so hard for these people?

    Because they aren't interested in individual people pursuing their own ends. If it isn't approved by the liberal elite, it simply shouldn't (many would claim can't) be done.

  • Killazontherun||

    The comments are just incredible -- they have no idea how outclassed they are by the one guy on the forum familiar with National Socialist Party of America v. Village of Skokie.

    Tolerance is the New Ignorance:

    Justin Jones
    There's always some ridiculously archaic thing religious people have to hold onto. In the same book of the bible(leviticus), I am allowed to rape a women and pay in shekels to marry her as punishment.
    Point? Get over it. The bible belt is acknowledged as the highest consumer of gay porn by the US census. You're gay and you're ashamed, etc etc.
    On a different note; posting "Black/white/yellow/red people are an abomination because this book I believe is true says so" is not okay. You have freedom of speech until it crosses a line, being libel, fraud, hate speech and other various illegal ways of impeding on others' rights through speech. The KKK cannot walk around anymore spouting their hate speech, and this shouldn't be protected either.

    Walter Sowers · Kentucky
    Oh? So at my company I can deny someone access to healthcare cause I find their need for a new heart offensive? I do have a very deeply held belief that my money shouldn't have to pay for some other person's heart replacement. Or HIV treatment cause "only them gays get the AIDS"? My word, this is an enlightening story WLEX has managed to turn up.

    Read the posts of that last guy. Ignorance wrapped in smugness with a strong penchant for cliché.

  • John||

    You have freedom of speech until it crosses a line, being libel, fraud, hate speech

    I love the hate speech dodge. It is another way of saying you have freedom of speech until i don't like what you say.

  • Amakudari||

    The KKK cannot walk around anymore spouting their hate speech, and this shouldn't be protected either.

    Damn that's stupid.

  • John||

    Almost as stupid as the next comment about allowing this sign is analogous to turning people away from medical care because they are guy.

    We really should restrict the metaphors among the stupid.

  • Amakudari||

    Man, the theology and intermittent homophobia are grade A stupid as well, but the understanding of the 1st Amendment really takes the cake:

    Ami Teater · University of Phoenix
    i agree with Groves, i know the church has the right to freedom of speech just like everyone else but do they have the right to offend people? i think not.
  • John||

    Wow. This is what 40 years of destroying civics education gets you.

  • cw||

    The cognitive dissonance is strong with that one.

  • ||

    My brain just died a little bit at the sight of that comment. Thanks a bunch, Amakudari, you inconsiderate douche. =(

  • cw||

    People really don't get that the right not to be offended is NOT enshrined in the Constitution. Moreover, the First Amendment trumps such a silly "right."

  • robc||

    New Circle Road is an abomination.

  • Rich||

    "I don't think it's an appropriate place for that type of statement," said motorist Allison Jones. "Maybe their goal is to reach a lot of people, but I don't think it's done in the right way."

    You know, they'd probably reach more people by making their statement in front of Allison's house.

  • cw||

    I guess I'm still reeling from that "repenetrated bottom" meme, because I thought Gillispie wrote "penetrated...annals" on page two.

  • John||

    Did one of the big morning ride ins for Rolling Thunder. Didn't stay for the whole thing because that involves standing around the Pentagon parking lot in the hot sun for about five hours.

    Talk about a big slice of Jacksonian America. A couple of interesting things about it.

    1. Every mass social gathering in America seems to be similar to a Star Trek convention. Bikers for all of their fearsome reputation are really just another brand of nerd. I have made the same observation at gun shows. And it seems to get more true every year.

    2. For all of the talk of how racist America is, the thing is very racially diverse. It was majority white, but there were plenty of Mexicans and Central Americans and blacks and Asians. And everyone fit in. The contrast between this and the 99.9% whiteness of say the Jon Stewart rally, which was quite big among those who think they are more tolerant than the rest of the world is quite striking.

    3. It is refreshingly non political. People take it very seriously. And there isn't so much as a peep about politics or anything other than what the ride is about. It is really nice like that.

    It is basically a conservative rally run by conservatives but it completely lacks overt politics.

  • John||

    Contrast that with what would happen if liberals ran it.

    1. It would be completely white yet claim to be all about "diversity".

    2. Every two bit political cause would show up looking to hijack it. "Don't you want to give to help the rainforest?" "Stop racism Now!!" and so forth.

    3. The professional butt hurt would immediately descend and protest the thing. "What about the sacrifices of single mothers?" "Fine about gay and lesbians but what about the Transgendered? They have gender specific porta potties!!" You can just imagine what a shit show it would turn into.

    The lesson is that, while individually liberals can be very nice people, it is best to keep them below a critical mass in any organization.

  • Hyperion||

    while individually liberals can be very nice people

    Yeah until you start to have a discussion with them about politicis, then they freak out.

    I mean, really, I can have a discussion with my neocon friends and disagree with them about everything, and we will end up laughing or moving on to another subject.

    But with the libbies that I know, they are just extremely intolerant of any sort of debate. I have given up even trying it.

  • John||

    I think it is because they know at heart they are wrong. That is not the action of a confident person.

  • Hyperion||

    I dunno John. I honestly believe that most of them can't even conceive of the notion that they could be wrong.

    I think that, at least for many of them, it it due to the fact that they believe they have academia on their side, and therefore their opinions are above debate. The science is settled sort of thing, you know. Because someone, somewhere, who has a Ph.D agrees with them, then the debate is over.

    I knew a lady, worked with her for a couple of years, who was big into the green movement, or at least she was back at the height of all the AGW hype. I would try to start an argument with her over AGW, or something related, just for fun. I could never get beyond a smug 'well I guess I will have to believe the scientist'. That was it because in her mind, the debate was over at that point and she had won.

  • John||

    You don't appeal to authority because at heart you are sure you are right. I think they are massively compensating.

  • cw||

    Because someone, somewhere, who has a Ph.D agrees with them, then the debate is over.

    What's funny is that there are libertarians out there with Ph.Ds. Highly educated, very academic. They can't even use that fallacy to their advantage.

  • ||

    They're seemingly approachable until you attempt to challenge their moral degeneracy in sociopolitical debate.

    My most recent example was an Obamadrone -- an outwardly angelic dude, the sort you can just picture curing cancer and smiling as he rejects his reward money, who blew up at me almost as if I'd burned his house down. The cause? I told him that I sometimes carry a gun, and that the Second Amendment is fundamental to liberty. The indignation, the downright fury, was truly pathetic.

    If I hadn't been P bigger than he was, he probably would have shoved me around while spewing gems like, "Ron Paul hates Mexicans."

  • ||

    I don't know what the fuck the squirrels are on today, but "P" was meant to be fifty percent.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    Yeah, isn't it odd how some liberals are willing to use physical force to make their points?

    Even odder when anti-war liberals resort to violence, which is one huge-assed bundle of hypocrisy.

  • John||

    It is just that damn Johnson in the White House.

  • Hyperion||

    Gary Johnson won?! OMG, I missed the fucking election again! Time to stop drankin...

  • John||

    Libertarians run everything Hperion. Didn't you know this? That is when they are not considered to be a tiny fringe group of kooks. It depends on the day really.

  • Hyperion||

    We are a tiny and harmless fringe group of kooks, except for when we're causing childins and wimins folk to starve, or out clubbing baby seals into extinction.

  • ||

    Yeah, isn't it odd how some liberals are willing to use physical force to make their points?

    ------------------

    Progressive slavemakers, in my experience, are pretty volatile and pushy. The cheesedick's reaction wasn't surprising, but disappointing all the same.

    But you know what's really, really amusing? When you're visibly carrying a gun, and you confront someone of the leftist breed on a political issue -- they always stare at your weapon between sentences. And sweat. It's never, ever like that with anybody whose political ideology is halfway decent -- even country-club Republicans I've had discussions with.

    Non-progressives, you see, are violent animals that'll shoot their them guns at ya if you're a righteous liberal and you calls 'em on their grandma-hating anarchism!1!!

  • Mr. FIFY||

    Nice summation, Res.

  • John||

    He blew up because his entire self worth is wrapped up in him being not just right but morally superior to anyone on the other side of an issue.

  • Hyperion||

    Ron Paul hates Mexicans

    I had to lol at that one. what a great comeback in a discussion about 2nd amendment rights.

    Maybe he was confusing Ron Paul with Obama. Doesn't Obama hate Mexicans because one shot a guy who he thought was Obama's son?

  • ||

    He was one of those pre-programmed Obamadrones. Any statement in defense of any sort of freedom whatsoever gets you responses like, "Ron Paul drinks the blood of atheist children as they sleep somewhere in the putrid, derelict slums the libertard horde has forced them and their minority parents to live in by imposing capitalism." Or "OBAMA 2012!"

  • Hyperion||

    FORWARD!

  • Sean Mack||

    I've often wondered about that...I think it's because progressivism/liberalism is really just a set of moral postures, designed to signal that the posturer is a good person.

    Thus, when you disagree with them, they see it as the challenge stage in Galaga - time to rack up some extra points (by showing just how self righteously moral they can get).

    From their point of view, every argument you make in reply just decodes as "you are NOT a good person, after all". No wonder they get so upset.

  • John||

    They can't sell liberalism on its merits anymore. It has failed too miserably. So they sell it as a "brand" now. It is a way to show the world how tolerant and superior you are.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    I think you mean "tolerant", John.

    They sure tell me how tolerant they are, and demand that I too be tolerant. Of course that's in between rantings of how backwards, racist, sexist, and retarded rednecks and/or Christians are, and how if it weren't for them, we'd have our goddamn utopia.

    We have 2 forms of accepted bigotry in this country: in conservative circles, it's generally okay to go after gays (I've heard epic anti-gay sermons for instance), and in liberal circles it's okay (if not down right encouraged) to go after anyone from what they perceive as red state America. The only difference is that the right isn't running around claiming how tolerant of others and their cultures we must be.

  • Raven Nation||

    And, I think, because so many progressives/liberals (and a lot of conservatives too) don't know (i) why they believe what they believe and (ii) why other people believe what they believe. I'm around a lot of academics and when you toss out something that contradicts their view the reactions are really astonishing; ranging from "deer in the headlights" to vacant laughter to denial that what you said is true.

    The reality is that most PhD's are experts in their fields but in everything else, including politics, they just mainline NPR, network news, the NYT (especially Krugman), and Bill Maher. And they believe everything they hear there is 100% true and contains no bias. They are simply not intellectually equipped to have conversations about political philosophy.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    The reality is that most PhD's are experts in their fields but in everything else, including politics, they just mainline NPR, network news, the NYT (especially Krugman), and Bill Maher. And they believe everything they hear there is 100% true and contains no bias. They are simply not intellectually equipped to have conversations about political philosophy.

    ^^THIS^^

    It's one of the primary reasons why I left academia for good. I simply couldn't stand being around people who feel that their brilliance in whatever it is that they research doesn't mean they are brilliant in, well, anything else. Many, if not most, haven't been exposed to any socio-political ideas other than those that are approved by the liberal elite. Most philosophy professors can yammer on all day about Marx, yet they couldn't tell me anything at all about how it differs from/why it's better than *insert libertarian philosopher here* other than "capitalism is bad because, well, Marx says so."

  • Raven Nation||

    I know a guy who is (I think) a moderately left of center thinker although he's been pretty circumspect in our conversations. He actually wrote a couple of pieces for Reason back in the 1990s.

    First time I met him, I commented on this and started to mention something along the lines of what I wrote above. Before I got a full sentence in, he interrupted me to say that most historians wouldn't be able to intelligently engage with the articles OR the comments at Reason because they would, basically, be clueless.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    I smell Joshcunt.

  • cw||

    I guess I'm still reeling from that "repenetrated bottom" meme, because I thought Gillispie wrote "penetrated...annals" on page two.

  • cw||

    Oh, dammit.

  • Hyperion||

    the coming federal ban on so-called bath salts and fake marijuana

    Let's just ban everything and get it the fuck over with already.

    Next thing you know we will hear about a swat raid on some old ladies house, and then ooops!, we thought those bath salts she had were some type of illegal drugs... Oh, and sorry about the dog and the door and all that...

  • ||

    We should start by banning soap. A chick I knew in high school once got some in her eye, and it stung, and, like, she complained about it for about an hour. And, like, really dangerous and stuff.

    I'm only endorsing Barack I Obama for reelection to the Iron Throne if he promises to ban soap. And Christians, too -- they're icky.

  • John||

    And abusive fundie parents wash their kids' mouths out with it. Why do we let that stuff in the home?

  • ||

    We should burn Bibles and forcibly silence Christian groups. It's not at all like what the National Socialists did in Germany, though, because we're benevolent liberals, and we love the world and all the things in it! Except freedom. That's ICKY.

  • Hyperion||

    You are on to something, John.

    We need to fund some studies on this. It could be that the kids that are now drinking this hand sanitizer, they have something like Soap Ingestion Fetal Syndrome - SIFS.

    So these kids were born addicted to soap becaue their parents had their mouths washed out with it by their evil SoCon grandparents.

    First soap and then on to the hard stuff, soap is just a gateway substance for hand sanitizer.

    Get that funding bill in Congress now! Where is John McCain and Lindsey Graham when you really need them?

  • John||

    There you go. Get Chuck Schumer on board and it will be bipartisan. We can't lose.

  • Pi Guy||

    Soap - the Gateway Drug.

    Brilliant!

  • AlmightyJB||

    "she complained about it for about an hour"

    You forgot to include the ban on chicks complaining.

  • Hyperion||

    Can we get a quick referendum ballot on that? All in favor! The yays have it!

  • Trollificus||

    I would've voted "Yea" but my wife was going on about some store that failed to offer a discount on something she wanted to buy.

    "Why yes, hon. I believe that is unconstitutional."

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Let's do this shit the right way. Finally make a law that does what we've been trying to say the whole time by outlawing everything except that which has been approved by the political elite. It's much more efficient to tell the rubes what they can do than it is to tell them what they can't do.

    /progressive

  • ||

    Back in my day, if you sold fake pot to someone you had more immediate worries to contend with than any possible legal consequences.

    Just sayin'.

  • John||

    http://althouse.blogspot.com/2.....get-2.html

    Delta Upsilon fraternity members said they'd had a problem with trespassers prior to an encounter...

    According to an evidence packet released Friday morning, two members said they'd found heroin syringes on the property, 644 N. Frances St., and a Bose speaker had been stolen that night....

    According to a letter from one of the women, she and a friend decided to take a walk to the lake in the early morning of March 16 and unintentionally walked on the fraternity's property. The members told the women to get off their property.

    At least one of the members asked them, "how did it feel to be peasants?" and "How did it feel to be poor," the letter said. The members also told the women that they were among the one percent of the rich and the women should leave....

  • Hyperion||

    Racism and Classism in one article! And being done by rich white frat boys. It don't get any better than that. Hate crime, no doubt!

    But when, as one of the posters on that site pointed out, an entire carload of blacks beats up a white woman in McDonalds drive though while calling her white bitch, nothing to see there, just move on.

  • Anacreon||

    These jerk frat boys seem like the types who would play lacrosse.

  • Hyperion||

    Probably white hipanic lacrosse playing frat boys, those are the worst.

  • Hyperion||

    hispanic

  • Agammamon||

    Hey don't knock it - lacrosse is the white people's jai alai.

    Or would be if they replaced that wussy ball with a hard stone.

  • John||

    Liberals think they are helping things by having the double standard. But all it does is just suppress not release the pressure.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    They don't care about helping anything, John. All liberals want to do is use their "minority" as a means to suppress who they feel has been giving them the shaft since the beginning of history.

  • Anacreon||

    Coincidentally, I just learned this past week that my old fraternity (I graduated 30 years ago) was expelled from the college and had its national charter pulled. The expulsion is supposed to last three years, but I don't really see any way the house would re-form, so it is essentially a permanent expulsion (though some of the "lifer" fraternity brothers in their 50s and 60s vow to help bring it back.) Their crime was that one of the pledges got drunk at the annual off-campus Formal Dance and passed out in a watery ditch, and ended up dying. Truly a tragedy, and although it might be debatable whether the fraternity as a whole should be punished this way, it is difficult to argue too much against the penalty.

    Especially hard to argue about a three-year punishment for a death when at Wisconsin making fun of the 99% gets you a two-year punishment.

  • Hugh Akston||

    True story: Warty was a popular honor student who regularly attended church before he got hooked on JenKem.

  • BlueBook||

    Whatever happened to Moonflower? I heard (from a friend of a friend of a brother of a manicurist of a guy who was there) about this one dude back in the 70's or 80's who ate the seeds and thought that a pile of rocks was a bowl of delicious fresh fruit. Quite the expensive dental bill, I'd think.

  • A Serious Man||

    If you think this is bad, just wait till all the young guys enter their pon farr stage. How will we protect them from that?

  • Hyperion||

    I don't even know wtf it is, let alone how to protect anyone from it.

    Wait... that should make it the perfect legislation... H.R.dumbfuckery.9115 - The Pon Farr Fairness and Protections, and Liberty, and it's for the Chilidins Act.

    Let's just pass it now, so we can find out what's in it.

  • SIV||

    I want my candy-flavored meth!

  • SIV||

    Get right with Jesus my libertarian brothers and sisters. The End Times are here!

  • Hyperion||

    SIV, the fact that this post directly followed 'I want my candy-flavored meth!', has me seriously concerned for you. (:

  • Hyperion||

    Of course, my concern is out of Libertrian brotherly lub...

  • Hyperion||

    Thanks, this is great inspiration for my new film.

    Zombie Cannibal Apocalypse Now!

  • BigT||

    Note that it was blamed on 'new LSD'. Evidence?? Or just a smear by pigs to keep up the WoD?

    Police say the attacker was likely overdosing on a new potent form of LSD. "What's happening is whenever we see that a person has taken all of his clothes off and has become violent, it’s indicative of this excited delirium that's caused by overdose of drugs,” said Armando Aguilar of the Miami Fraternal Order of Police. “What's happening is inside their body their organs are burning up alive.”

    http://www.wsvn.com/news/artic.....z1wAIBDdvi
  • ||

    Since it's a slow day, I thought some folks might like to see the kind of ass raping the First Amendment takes on a daily basis in my local paper. I don't even bother responding to unsigned editorials, and while I did respond to the anti-anonymous-speech column, that's pointless as well, since Alan Chartock is way too busy sucking Team Blue dick to pay attention to opposing views.

    Read and discuss, and wonder how I manage not to kill either them or me.

  • Hyperion||

    Sigh... in truth, we are soooo tired of seeing that, but since it is a slow day, why not?

  • ||

    Yeah, I'm just more bugged by it than usual because for a few days last week I had no internet access and was reduced to reading the whole local paper every day just to keep busy.

    Anyway, I figure that anyone who thinks they have it bad should be given a chance to be thankful they don't live in Western MA.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    One would think liberals would actually be in favor of anonymity, but as usual they let themselves down at every turn.

  • AlmightyJB||

    Shorter title, article, and comment section: People are fucking retarded. Anymore I would say that applies to most articles on HR as well. I always log off loathing people more then when I logged on.

  • Hyperion||

    If you really want to see retarded, and to hate people even more, please just spend one day over at Politico, I triple dog dare ya.

  • Xilano||

    Even if the stories of jenkem are true, what are they gonna do, ban shit?

  • Hyperion||

    Don't think that they wouldn't try it. When they run out of everything else to ban...

  • Rich||

    Don't ban shit. *Tax* it!

  • Hyperion||

    Wait! Tax piss first, it happens more often! A piss tax, team red and blue will love it! It has to be a winner.

  • BakedPenguin||

  • Ron Robinson||

    Hey Nick, normally I love all your stuff, but my son died at age 12 two years ago from 'the choking game'.

    Dude, it's real and it's deadly.

    OK, so only 82 people have died from it from 1995 to 2007. Each one of those people was someone who was loved within their own small circle; and many, like my son, had a very promising life cut short by a preventable tragedy.

    It's gotten a little more 'popular' since 2007 thanks to more widespread use of these inter-webz thingies. Your claiming that it is 'mockworthy-harmless' does not help and helps make the behavior seem harmless to youngsters who may be tempted at one time or another to engage. The behavior is not harmless.

    You should know better than to use your bully pulpit in such a fashion, especially since otherwise you have a lot of credibility and respect.

    Mock the danger all you wish, but this one really is killing people. ron (at) procinct (dot) net

  • Mr. FIFY||

    Look, Ron, it's horrible what happened to your son, but let's be real: Every way a person can die, is just as bad, and talking smack about any of those ways is going to offend someone else.

    Therefore, the only way to prevent that is to never joke about anything.

    Which is impossible.

    Not raggin' on ya, but still.

  • Hyperion||

    Ron, I have to agree with Mr. FIFY. Really sorry to hear that about your son.

    When I was a teen I engaged in, as well as all of my friends, lots of activities that could have gotten any of us killed. at any time.

    When I look back on some of it, I marvel at the fact that I am still alive and shake my head at the foolishness of it.

    Teenagers are naturally tempestuous due to the onslaught of powerful hormones which they are ill equipped to handle, often more powerful than any drugs that we might do as adults.

    I don't see why you are ragging on Nick here, he didn't say anything that is not true, and I don't get your bully pulpit jab at all.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    I hated to have to point that out. If we can't joke about anything dangerous that might kill someone, we're basically fucked.

  • ||

    When I look back on some of it, I marvel at the fact that I am still alive and shake my head at the foolishness of it.

    Same here; I can recall at least three instances that apart from sheer luck, I ought to have expired.

  • Sevo||

    Three?!
    Wimp.

  • ||

    Well, I survived, didn't I? Wimpiness has its advantages, too...

  • A Serious Man||

    I don't think Nick or anyone else here is suggesting we should teach our kids to act like idiots and that that's okay, but the point is that there is nothing the government can to do prevent it. It's up to the parents to, you know, parent.

    And sadly accidents will happen, it is a mathematical certainty that every year X number of kids will sadly die doing something stupid and there is nothing anyone can do about it. That's life.

  • Killazontherun||

    My dad died of ass cancer. Wanna know my favorite thing to joke about? Cancer. In the ass. You know why? 'cause wearing your heart on your sleeve makes you a weak little whiny bitch. To bad about your son, but you gotta cut your losses.

  • Killazontherun||

    Conan O'Brien can make a joke about a fat guy who has had a heart attack needing to cut down on the bacon and everyone in the audience will laugh, but joke about some fuckhead kid who killed himself through auto-erotic asphyxiation, and then it is out of bounds. Fuck that shit, fuck it all day long, asshole.

  • Pi Guy||

    First, to be clear: I'm very sorry for your loss and mean no disrespect. That said...

    Driving while texting kills, too. Not nearly as much as you might think by media reports. Should texting while driving be illegal? Not IMO.

    same here. If you respect what Nick's written in the past then you clearly know that you're acting emotionally here. "There oughta be a law!" is not an answer. Neither is telling others that they can't joke about it. Free speech, yadda 3x.

    Again, I am so sorry for your loss but please don't make it a problem for all of the rest of us. It's not.

  • SIV||

    PWND!

  • Raistlin||

    R.I.P. Davis Carradine. Great actor. Horrible masterbater.

  • Hyperion||

    Uhh? Do you mean David Carradine, weed hopper?

  • Archduke PantsFan||

    And Marlon Brando would never be in a Paramount movie.

  • ||

    The rainbow party myth probably sprung from "color parties" in which you come dressed in a single color and leave without wearing anything of that color. I attended a color party once.

  • Mr. FIFY||

    I attended a colored party once.

    /raaaaaacist

  • Sandi||

    I took a shit at a color party once.

  • ||

    Brown?

  • BMFPitt||

    While we await the next fake news trend about teens and sex and drugs

    Why just wait around? We should start a pool to bet on what the next one will be. (Just have to decide how many news reports constitutes a panic, and decide whether it counts if you are behind the initial rumor.)

  • ||

    That's easy: fecal matter marinated in brightly dyed absinthe and inserted into the vagina/rectum.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Just have to decide how many news reports constitutes a panic . . .

    In the environment where boring local news can make it national just because there isn't something actually newsworthy happening? Just one news report can create a panic.

  • Nicholas Card||

    You know, if we could mobilize like /4/chan, we could easily create the next panic. With enough of us calling local papers to "report" our "finding" (as if we were in academia, etc), eventually a wannabe-reporter for a major network would probably pick it up, and then it would be all over teh interwebz.

  • Thomas O.||

    This is why we need to just go ahead and legalize pot... and while we're at it, lower the drinking age back to 18 (but make sure teens take special "alcohol awareness" courses - maybe a week long - in high school). Kids who are bummed out on life... a good many of them are gonna try to get high or get a buzz to take the edge off. And if they can't do it by legal means, they'll find a way somehow... and sometimes die trying.

    Banning or tightly controlling certain products isn't gonna work for long. Am I gonna have to show two forms of ID and produce five references just to buy a bag of bath salts? What if (God forbid) jenkem becomes popular in the U.S... are we gonna be closely monitored every time we take shits or dispose of diapers?

    I'd rather have non-lethal marijuana legalized and available than have a rash of teen deaths from sniffing aerosols.

  • Hyperion||

    This is why we need to just go ahead and legalize pot

    Why do you hates da childins?

  • Nicholas Card||

    Clearly he is an intolerant racist fat-cat 1%er. Duhh.....

  • Torontonian||

    Sorry Nick, The Onion beat you to it:

    http://www.theonion.com/articl.....rry,28130/

  • John Galt||

    Discerning teens only drink Jenkem.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    I don't always drink urine, but when I do...

  • ||

    It's Dos Equis.

  • Brian from Texas||

    Kids these days....When I was 13 I was the only one in my homeroom class to have gotten a hand-job, AND I WAS LYING!

  • beats571||

    Dr Dre Beats In truth, this question may be the biggest fear monster of all with regard to Asperger's. And apparently this holds true for professional and parents alike By Dr Dre.

  • Edwin||

    Yo, I loves me some fuckin' jenkem. I can trip out all day on Jenkem. Wonderful stuff. I always hallucinate I see Mr. Hanky.

    But seriously the choking does actually happen and causes problems. I remember doing it as a kid. Eventually one kid did it while on this parapet thingy and fell and hurt himself pretty bad. i wasn't at that incident, but in general we were being dumbasses.

  • Edwin||

    Oh yeah, butt chugging, that works apparently, and I know of at least one person who's done it; Steve-O on the second jackass movie, during which scene i also learned it is indeed possible to effectively plunge a man's ass with a plunger to remove liquid. An interesting factoid if there ever was one.

  • Pip||

    I like where they combine rainbow parties and butt-chugging.

  • Ralph Wylie||

    In my generation, the Baby Boomers, we tried smoking banana peels(unsuccessfully)to try to get high. We then went on to Marijuana, but there was still a 'Reefer Madness' paranoia about it. Kinda like there still is!
    A lot of us ended up being alcoholics, just like our parents. At least we were socially accepted and politically correct.
    Personally, I'm still a pot smoker at 62 y. o. and only drink occasionally.

  • Bobarian||

    See, you guys are the problem...

    As soon as we 'Logan's Run' your ass out of here, things'll be a lot better.

  • Bluffricky||

    You forgot poppy seeds, peyote buttons, nitrous oxide, 'shrooms, and my teen fave, persimmon wine!

  • zamoracarl711||

    what Brian explained I'm impressed that a stay at home mom able to earn $4483 in four weeks on the computer. have you read this website makecash16Com

  • Epicdelusion||

    Heard Bath Salts were the new big thing these days....

  • Flirtinc||

    Too bad Nick, we all just love sex and women:

    This is how to attract women guide and bring them onto your bed, or hers. Maybe anywhere, who knows.

    Did I mentioned about drugs? I don't mean anything seriously.

  • Bluffricky||

    Rainbow parties are the real deal. I interviewed two girls and one boy about these parties, and I don't believe they were bs-ing. They were early high school age, about 10 years ago. The other freakouts I am suspect of.

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