The Top 10 Most Absurd Time Covers of The Past 40 Years

Mr. Luce's mag does satanism, porn, crack, Pokemon, and more!

Radley Balko & Jeff Winkler | June 10, 2009

(Page 2 of 6)

Why So Worried? Porn, Time says, is sweeping the country, leaving our deflowered Puritan sensibilities in its wake. "The First Amendment may safeguard the rights of pornographers and their audience," the magazine posits, "but surely the majority of Americans who find porn objectionable have rights as well. Must they and their children be under constant assault by the hucksters of porn?"

Cue Ominous Music: The article quotes U.C.L.A. psychiatrist Robert J. Stoller, author of Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred, who warns that porn "'disperses rage' that might tear society apart, but also threatens society by serving as propaganda for the unleashing of sexual hostility."

Oh, Just Settle Down: Time was right about the increase in production and availability of pornography in the 1970s, it was just wrong about the effects. Two years after this cover appeared, the number of reported rapes in the U.S. began a 30-year free-fall, a period over which pornography became increasingly easier to obtain. Today, porn is more abundant and ubiquitous than ever, while incidence of rape in the U.S. is at its lowest rate since the government started keeping statistics.

8. August 6, 1984: The Population Curse

Comments

|6.10.09 @ 3:54PM|#

Time is, and has been, a joke. Maybe it was good once, but I can't remember that time.

If Time were any good, it would've made Tank Guy the Man of the Year in 1989, not Gorbachev.

|6.10.09 @ 3:58PM|#

Oh, ProL. So naive. Sucking up to statists is the raison d'etre of Time.

Syd|6.10.09 @ 3:58PM|#

The Satan cover is an interesting blend of medieval goat man and a five-year old with a red crayon.

|6.10.09 @ 4:00PM|#

Episiarch,

Indeed. I always go to Time and Newsweek when I want to know what the government wants me to believe.

I like the porn cover from the 70s. Little did they know that the Internet would make their quaint concerns, well, quaint.

|6.10.09 @ 4:02PM|#

Extra-black O.J. is my personal favorite.

Xeones|6.10.09 @ 4:05PM|#

Yo, Time cold has a peter in its mouth.

|6.10.09 @ 4:10PM|#

I don't get the whole bed wetting thing for identifying some one as a scaredy-cat. When is wetting the bed due to irrational fears?

On the other hand, sheer PANT wetting terror over things irrational perceived as terrifying would seem more appropriate.

2 cents.

creech|6.10.09 @ 4:11PM|#

"Time" has no time for such nonsense lately, what with having to put one Obama or another on every cover.

|6.10.09 @ 4:13PM|#

Personally, I find the Time Man of the Year covers in election years - when they always choose the newly elected/re-elected President on the cover - as the scariest.

Fascitis Necrotizante|6.10.09 @ 4:14PM|#

The shocked little boy from the cyberporn cover is how I picture Tony/Chad.

Warty|6.10.09 @ 4:27PM|#

We first got the internet when I was 14, and it took about 2 minutes for me to find porn. I did not make that face.


Hell, I think I knew there was so much porn because of media pants-shitting stories like that one.

|6.10.09 @ 4:33PM|#

Yeah, what's up with that? Maybe Oprah should give the Obamas O, The Oprah Magazine, with a slight tweak of the name.

..|6.10.09 @ 4:35PM|#

I blame the dentists.

Warty|6.10.09 @ 4:37PM|#

You anti-dentite bastard.

cricket|6.10.09 @ 4:38PM|#

Warty (porn never did me no harm) Palms:

If you didn't make that face, you didn't find the right porn; that's all I can say.

Xeones|6.10.09 @ 4:42PM|#

cricket, you're not taking into account everything Warty was exposed to BEFORE he turned 14. He is the way he is because of Circumstances.

|6.10.09 @ 4:47PM|#

This is an awesome article -- nice job. Please compile a similar one on Oprah's big scares too (I know Newsweek recently gave it a try but they weren't very comprehensive). After all, Oprah is kinda like Time Magazine was back in the day; she sets various agendas and is worth tackling.

|6.10.09 @ 4:52PM|#

The cover that should have been: "Rainbow Parties: How come I'm not getting any!"

|6.10.09 @ 4:56PM|#

Next year's version of the Scaring the Hell Out of You top 10 should all have Obama covers. He makes up all kinds of shit to scare people. There have been at least 10 Obama covers so far, right?

Ed C|6.10.09 @ 4:56PM|#

"I sold a Charizard 1st edition for 36 bucks in 7th grade."

I remember 1st edition Charizard selling for $125 at one point. I do agree with Time magazine when they say that kids would rip other kids off. I know cause I did it and had it done to me. But I'm not sure how that can be considered Capitalism since fraud and stealing would still be illegal in a Lassiez-Faire society.

alan|6.10.09 @ 4:59PM|#

I never understood the appeal of the card games like Magic: The Gathering. There was even a longish bit about it in Cryptonomicon when the modern protagonist is in Seattle and the Bill Gates like friend is playing it, and that seemed odd as I associated the card games with The Up and Coming Degenerate Whippersnappers (there's a cover title for you, Time!).

|6.10.09 @ 5:00PM|#

Stay tuned for the follow up on this in 10 years devoted entirely to Global Warming.

|6.10.09 @ 5:00PM|#

The shocked little boy from the cyberporn cover is how I picture Tony/Chad.

Yeah, complete with the absurdly small hands. TF? With hands like that the kid is going to have a difficult time getting a date later in life. Maybe pron is good for him.

alan|6.10.09 @ 5:02PM|#

modern protagonist Hint to those who have not read it, there are also two non modern protagonist in this novel.

JB|6.10.09 @ 5:05PM|#

'Time' should be changed to 'Shit'.

Then again, it is better than Newsweak, but that isn't saying much.

alan|6.10.09 @ 5:11PM|#

The article quotes U.C.L.A. psychiatrist Robert J. Stoller, author of Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred, who warns that porn "'disperses rage' that might tear society apart, but also threatens society by serving as propaganda for the unleashing of sexual hostility."

Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred

Hmm, and all this time I thought I was just using visual aids while busting a nut to maintain a healthy biological cycle. Little did I know, I was both victim and malcontent.

|6.10.09 @ 5:17PM|#

But you have to hand it to Time for recognizing the Pokémon menace...


but more seriously Pokémon _is_ afterall one of those "little brother" things and thus beneath contempt.


..."Get OUTTA my fuckin' room you you little dipshit!, I mean fuck, dont you ever knock. .... None of your God-damned business what magazine I am looking at. OUT! NOW!.... Moooooommmmm!!"

|6.10.09 @ 5:59PM|#

I like the secondary story for 1984 - Bank Bailouts

|6.10.09 @ 5:59PM|#

1. I think there is too much swearing and crude language these days.

2. Illicit drug use, including marijuana, is a detriment to our society

Your blog article is very opinionated. They reflect only your views, which are not the views of sensible citizens.

malletdiction|6.10.09 @ 6:02PM|#

But they missed this one...

PARIS (AFP) - A force known as orbital chaos may cause our Solar System to go haywire, leading to possible collision between Earth and Venus or Mars, according to a study released Wednesday.

|6.10.09 @ 6:21PM|#

Matthew Ota | June 10, 2009, 5:59pm | #

1. I think there is too much swearing and crude language these days.

Well, so do I, but I don't get the vapors because someone drops an F-bomb.

2. Illicit drug use, including marijuana, is a detriment to our society

Throwing people in jail for it is a lot worse detriment. So is the fact that the drug laws promote violent criminal behavior.

Your blog article is very opinionated. They reflect only your views,

Uh, I thought blogs were SUPPOSED to be opinionated

which are not the views of sensible citizens the obsessive farts I hang around with.

fixed that last phrase

|6.10.09 @ 6:33PM|#

The article quotes U.C.L.A. psychiatrist Robert J. Stoller, author of Perversion: The Erotic Form of Hatred

Based on the title alone, that guy needs a good old fashion slapping-to-death.

axl|6.10.09 @ 6:36PM|#

Nothing in that article says that "meth mouth" is a myth. (Fun to say, though.) Instead, it says that the supposed *reasons* for meth mouth are poorly documented.

|6.10.09 @ 6:37PM|#

I never understood the appeal of the card games like Magic: The Gathering.

They are an outlet for that segment of nerd society that doesn't quite feel outcast enough yet, but who don't have the imagination and attention span to LARP.


And, it is quite obvious to me that Matthew Ota is the porn kind from Time all grown up.

|6.10.09 @ 6:41PM|#

porn "kid"

Stupid fingers.

alan|6.10.09 @ 7:12PM|#

Your blog article is very opinionated. They reflect only your views, which are not the views of sensible citizens.

Well, as a crude tongued non-sensible sort, all I can say, is Godspeed to all of that. Ride that straight and narrow path all the way to Nirvana if you think it will get you there.

anarch|6.10.09 @ 7:14PM|#

Nice, Aresen 6:21pm. That's why I keep coming back here, against my (and likely not only my) better judgment.

|6.10.09 @ 7:39PM|#

I think the whole article is setting us up to recognize the scare tactics and junk science of the global warming alarmists. I call it the "Scooby Doo" theory of scary stories - Shaggy and Scooby are always scared, but after so many years when it's ALWAYS a man in a costume or with a projector, why don't they start to assume it probably is again, and not get scared? We've had environmental scares every couple years since "Silent Spring". Global Warming is no different.

|6.10.09 @ 7:43PM|#

For the first time in forever, I can't disagree with these covers. These are not the most absurd. Anything with Obama on it is the definition of absurd.

|6.10.09 @ 7:56PM|#

Before Al Gore was going to save us from global warming he was going to save us from explicit rock lyrics.

No wonder he flunked out of divinity school... there is only room for one savior at a time.

phalkor|6.10.09 @ 8:00PM|#

My comment got disintegrated! Is it because I did not produce a snarky comment about Time's awesome scaremongering tactics? Nah, that comment had an embarrassing admission, I'll let it slide.


I do LOVE this article having seen all of the post 1991 covers and actually having read those articles. I remember the palpable fear columbine instilled in my 6th grade teacher. I remember a teacher confiscating a Magic card from me because it contained a burning pentagram. There's always something out there that will destroy our way of life as we know it.

This chronology is so choice because it shows us what scared the sh!t out of people in the past came and went and we are doing just fine. You heard me. We're doing fine.

|6.10.09 @ 8:28PM|#

Matthew Ota | June 10, 2009, 5:59pm | #
1. I think there is too much swearing and crude language these days.

2. Illicit drug use, including marijuana, is a detriment to our society

Your blog article is very opinionated. They reflect only your views, which are not the views of sensible citizens.


Brilliant, just brilliant. This is art people. You're casting pearls before swine here, Mathew. I'm going to be laughing at this for WEEKS.

|6.10.09 @ 8:35PM|#

My favorite TIME scare drug cover story was the "How We Get Addicted" cover with a piscoid human (or was it a humanoid fish?)going after a baited hook. (Follow the article link.) It's so absurd I bought a oopy off the newsstand as a souvenir. I still have it.

mike|6.10.09 @ 8:48PM|#

Good article, but you may not want to use school crime data from 1998 to debunk the Columbine effect when Columbine happened in 1999.

Gustavo Arellano|6.10.09 @ 9:39PM|#

This is one of the most original, hilarious articles I've read in a long time...

|6.10.09 @ 9:51PM|#

I think the common trend of these articles is a lack of research or faulty statistics and no common sense.

If anyone had actually double checked what Pokemon was about, they would have seen good environmental responsibility, teamwork and loyal friends, moderation and some of the cleanest tv/video games out there. Honestly, it's kind of sickening how wholesome it is. Plus, the TCG was probably no worse than baseball cards throughout the mid-century.

As for the internet, isn't it *for* porn? (see: Avenue Q)

|6.10.09 @ 10:08PM|#

"after the April 20, 1999 school shootings in Littleton, Colorado."

The Columbine shootings were not in Littleton - Columbine isn't even in the same county. Littleton was a dateline on the stories as filed and the nearest bulk mail center and so used on some mail addresses.

This matters because number of moves correlates with behavior and Littleton is a settled community - Columbine is a new community where everybody was from someplace else.

Mike|6.10.09 @ 10:14PM|#

I can certainly say that Reason's best cover was Miss October 2006, Ova for Sale. We need more of those penetrating covers.

Adam S|6.10.09 @ 10:38PM|#

Carl over at behaviorgap.com has been posting up Time covers with economics stories. Some of them look pretty hilarious in hindsight.

http://www.behaviorgap.com/

|6.10.09 @ 10:58PM|#

Indeed. I always go to Time and Newsweek when I want to know what the government wants me to believe.

Agreed. That's pretty much the only reason I occasional check it out. To see what the orthodox position is at the moment.

Tang|6.10.09 @ 11:22PM|#

While we're slamming Time, let's not forget their Man of the Year decision that Rudy Giuliani had a greater effect on the world than anybody else in 2001. Unless the MIHOPs are right and Time knew something we didn't (that's a joke, people), their decision represented the cowardice, nationalism, and worship of authority figures that would permeate American politics for the next seven years and might still.

phalkor|6.11.09 @ 12:01AM|#

I was man of the year once. I liked that cover. It was shiny.

|6.11.09 @ 1:21AM|#

Another example of how MSM (MainStream Media) write provocative (albeit exaggerated) stories, causing a panic in the public, which the government then (many times successfully) attempts to further corral the sheeple to remove more of their freedoms. ( Read tinyurl.com/1mn )

1776: Give me liberty or give me death!
2001: Take my liberties or we're all gonna die!

|6.11.09 @ 3:37AM|#

For the record: calling someone the Burton C. Gray Memorial Intern makes it sound like you kill the guy after his internship.

|6.11.09 @ 6:04AM|#

For the record: calling someone the Burton C. Gray Memorial Intern makes it sound like you kill the guy after his internship.

What makes you think they don't?

1836|6.11.09 @ 6:16AM|#

The article reminds me of the Time cover "Does the Supreme Court Still Matter?." That day I wondered whether Time mattered at all.

http://j.bdbphotos.com/pictures/B/4L/B4F8A5P_large.jpg

Michael|6.11.09 @ 7:15AM|#

Willy | June 10, 2009, 5:59pm | #
I like the secondary story for 1984 - Bank Bailouts

No shit, I'll be damned. Whatever that article is, reason should find it and reprint it as a gag.

Soap Mouth Man|6.11.09 @ 7:50AM|#

Actually there is too much swearing and crude language, but I think of it more as one of the more irritating forms of noise pollution of our time than some big crisis.

When it comes to crude language on the internet, I've gotten myself a special filter for my browser (Mozilla Firefox) designed to deal with all that nasty language: Jmaxxz's vulgar word "blocker" which is actually a customizable word changer. (You also have to have the Grease Monkey plug-in in order to apply this script.)

The tricky part is figuring out what to substitute for the foul language. I usually replace all usages of the f-bomb with "shaft" and other expletives with milder versions of themselves, such as "crap" for certain references to excrement. The filter allows you to change words more than once, so I can do further tweaking to describe in which manner you or somebody else are getting shafted. (Obviously, the way a boss or a boyfriend are shafting you are *usually* two different things.)

As a word changer, though, it's useful for far more than that! All references to our current illegal White House occupant now spell his name with a zero. That retard blowhard Paul Craig Roberts of LewRockwell is now known as Fundamentally Anal Roberts of LooCrockShill. The Holocaust-denying anti-semite Patrick Buchanan is now Rat Prick Butt Cannon, and the self-righteous pseudo-Christian Marcionite pacifascist Lawrence Vance is now known as Moron Rants. Michael Moore is likewise Megafat Whore and women's rights are crybabies' entitlements.

In short, there is basically no limit to how much you can correct other people's speech online with this marvelous filter. I heartily recommend it to everybody, filthy and clean people alike.

|6.11.09 @ 8:36AM|#

Why did they leave out the global climate change edition? hey, anyone remember when Nuclear power was the biggest threat to us all? Whatever happened to that?

|6.11.09 @ 9:35AM|#

Excellent !! Now I know where Trey and Matt get their ideas for South Park.

Stacy Litz|6.11.09 @ 9:51AM|#

Yes, TIME is a joke. I just hope everyone knows that . . .

I believe the current cover is something like, "Michelle Obama, the Truth Behind the Goddess."

SIGH.

Kaz|6.11.09 @ 9:54AM|#

The Pokemon craze is over? Someone should tell my 5 yr old daughter, who is now "addicted".

|6.11.09 @ 9:55AM|#

It seems to me that the crackerjack minds at Reason could have found a more worthy target than Time. Sheesh. I didn't know it was still being published!

|6.11.09 @ 9:57AM|#

The tricky part is figuring out what to substitute for the foul language.

I've come to believe that foul language, even four-letter euphemisms, is a sign of laziness or stupidity. Its much more effective and entertaining to express yourself polysyllabically.

Rat Prick Butt Cannon|6.11.09 @ 10:58AM|#

I do not appreciate your characterization of me.

Moneo|6.11.09 @ 12:52PM|#

I think this story was meant for Cracked.com...

Good stuff, though it was kind of an obvious target.

|6.11.09 @ 1:13PM|#

what about the one with george bush on the cover as person of the year? that was a joke too wasnt it?

haha|6.11.09 @ 2:12PM|#

Those Time covers remind me of the Onion's weekend magazine.

Ridonk|6.11.09 @ 2:23PM|#

Oh my god, that was a hilarious article.

|6.11.09 @ 4:03PM|#

Who's (not) editing intelligently these days? There's nothing "mythical" about addicts with "meth mouth" and their teeth; it's a literal, tangible side-effect of abuse. Someone was hell-bent on writing something that seemed alliterative, eh? Far too often TV folks get "literal" and "figurative" confused ("It's literally raining cats and dogs, Joan ..."), but it's the print folks who too often fail to question meaning when invoking popular vernacular (such as "could care less," "irregardless", etc.).

|6.11.09 @ 4:59PM|#

Yeah, Time is pretty awful. But I prefer it to the best-of-all-possible-worlds idiocy that you people seem to promote. How about an article about the ten worst Reason covers? I seem to recall a piece a while back about free-market interplanetary colonization....

|6.11.09 @ 7:31PM|#

Well, I have to agree; Pokemon is something to be downright terrified of. (Seriously, is it still around? My niece skipped cartoons and went straight for "Hannah Montana."

bgt|6.11.09 @ 8:05PM|#

Didn't TIME do a cover story on "The Coming Ice Age" back in 1976 . . ? That would make a great back-to-back with their "global warming" covers.

Jeff|6.11.09 @ 11:17PM|#

9/10 aint bad.

Your logic is VERY fuzzy on why the fact that 30% of Americans being Obese is not an epidemic, especially compared to the other 9

non-sequinor alert|6.12.09 @ 12:00AM|#

see everyone. Don't worry. Be happy. The world is really a safe cuddly place for us and we can purchase more stuff, drive bigger cars, have big families, build more nukes, all because the world is really a safe place and what do scientists know about anything anyway? They have been wrong before so they are wrong now.

Juicy Couture|6.12.09 @ 3:17AM|#

I also think that Time magazine sometimes blows things out of their proportion.

Juicy Couture

|6.12.09 @ 8:31AM|#

I only see one comment about the Climate scare, why is that?

We are still waiting to to sober up / get over it?

That will make #1 - no contest - as the biggest and most expensive hoax ever perpetrated.

|6.12.09 @ 10:34AM|#

I seem to recall a Time cover from the early 70s on killer bees. I was in grammar school and hoping they would come. Maybe it was Newsweek.

Evan|6.12.09 @ 1:18PM|#

You gotta hand it to Time's design department though.. those are good looking covers, factual accuracy aside.

Soapy Sales|6.12.09 @ 3:56PM|#

@Soap-a-Dope:

I find it interesting that someone thinks the word "fuck" is offensive then proceeds to bring anal sex into characterizations of nearly everyone he disagree with.

If you like taking it up the ass, fine, but still - I'm straight, but I don't put "vagina" and "breast" into every article I read.

Of course, maybe I'm missing the post-post-post-ironic intent of the piece...the 'tubes will do that to ya sometimes.

Tristan|6.12.09 @ 5:32PM|#

"Moreover, while Americans have been getting fatter for 25 years, we still set new life expectancy records each year, and deaths from heart disease, cancer, and stroke have all fallen dramatically over that period. This is of course mostly due to advances in medical science. But obesity isn't exactly bringing on a public health calamity, either. As for medical costs, a 2008 Dutch study suggests what would seem to be intuitive: People who live longer tend to incur more lifetime medical expenses. Meaning that if obesity does modestly shorten lifespans, it does so at a savings to taxpayer-funded programs like Medicare and Medicaid."

So, despite growing obesity, we are living longer. But, we are also saving money because... we are NOT living longer. Yeah, you have an unassailable argument there.

Soap Mouth Man|6.13.09 @ 9:24AM|#

Soapy Sales | June 12, 2009, 3:56pm | #
@Soap-a-Dope:

I find it interesting that someone thinks the word "shaft" is offensive then proceeds to bring anal sex into characterizations of nearly everyone he disagree with.

If you like taking it up the butt, fine, but still - I'm straight, but I don't put "vagina" and "breast" into every article I read.

Of course, maybe I'm missing the post-post-post-ironic intent of the piece...the 'tubes will do that to ya sometimes.

Well hey, they're what fit the names and characteristics of the people in question the best. (Fundamentally Anal Roberts is just about as self-righteous and hypocritical as Fundamentally Oral Roberts ever was.) Megafat Whore is only figuratively every commie's whore. (At least, I sure hope so!) To mention a few more names, Karen De Coster is Karen the Nazi (for being an Israel-bashing Islamofascist-regime-apologist) and Ron Paul is the aPauling moRon for also being an anti-Zionist, a pacifascist, and 9/11 troofer nutjob.

Besides, what's so gay about talking OUT of your back door? I mean, unless you agree with South Park that "Being an activist is totally gay." (And if you do, maybe you've got a point there.) Dear ol' Rat Prick is always firing off fusillades from his butt cannon against Israel and the Jews and (of course) our World War II veterans for daring to fight an actual war that, like, actually killed people and destroyed property and stuff (those FASCISTS) against that perfectly nice Hitler guy who was just claiming what was rightly his from those dirty stinkin' Pollacks in the first place, don't you know! ("¿Quantos Polackos Necesitan comer un burrito? ¡Dos! ¡Ja ja ja!") If that makes him a "homo" according to my filter's interpretation of your parlance, so be it!

Rich|6.13.09 @ 9:49AM|#

How dare they blaspheme Francis Bacon with the "Drugs" cover?!

|6.13.09 @ 11:59PM|#

does anyone give a f::k what the hell time has on it's cover? it's a worthless rag that doctors offices and tire/oil change places have on their tables...not much else. oh, if you work for time, get a meaningful job.

|6.14.09 @ 6:04AM|#

30% of Americans being Obese

I call bullshit at this figure. According to the BMI, I'm 29.4 (borderline obese!) when I used to be about 26.2 at the same height/weight. Overweight? I can kind of see that, but SRSLY, I can run 10 miles (not in a *great* time), I'm not close to "obese".

Too many Americans are fat, but the BMI is a joke.

|6.14.09 @ 11:44AM|#

Sure, much of this is sensational. On the other hand, real people have dedicated massive amounts of time and money to making many of these stories less tragic.

Mocking past problems because they were adequately addressed with the implication that we should ignore current problems and expect equally positive outcomes is not a reasonable argument.

David Marfatso|6.16.09 @ 10:39PM|#

Obesity is a myth! Fast food doesn't make you fat! Just ask the companies that sell it. Click on my name to see how fabulously thin I am, and visit ObesityMyths.com

Vince|6.22.09 @ 10:02AM|#

This is a really great top ten list, Time has definitely had it's fair share of outrageous covers. The Cyberporn cover is the most creative in my opinion, I think we've all had that face staring into the computer at some time or another. Anyone can post their own list to our site http://www.toptentopten.com/. The coolest feature is you can let other people vote on the rankings of your list.