Capitol Idea

Introducing the Senate Candidate of the Future

Jonathan Rauch | August 27, 2004

(Page 3 of 5)

THE CANDIDATE: I think they have to share their limousines. Hello, everybody. Hello? Is this working? Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Thurston Howell III, and I'm running for the United States Senate. I had a man write a nice statement for me so I'll just read that to you now.

"My name is Thurston Howell III and I'm running for the United States Senate."

THE WIFE: I believe you already said that, Thurston.

THE CANDIDATE: Did I? Well, I think I'm supposed to say everything twice. They don't always get it the first time.

THE WIFE: Thurston, why are they looking at us like that? You! Young man, yes, you, in the—good grief, is that a corduroy jacket? Thurston, how did he get in here?

THE CANDIDATE: It's just for today, Lovey. He can't join. Now, I believe I was orating. Oh, yes: "Our great country and this great state are adrift in an hour of turbulence and storm. The ship of state is tossed. If not for the vision of a fearless crew, our nation will be lost. We choose now between two courses. The time has come for a fresh leader, one who can—"

Lovey, do you have the second page? This seems to be my laundry order.

THE WIFE: Oh, dear. I must have sent it out with your riding pants.

THE CANDIDATE: Dash it all! Well, I'll extemporize. We Howells are silver-tongued to the marrow.

Like my father and my grandfather before him, I am a Howell. We Howells have a long tradition of service, and we've had hundreds of servants to prove it. We also know that money talks, and when money talks, people listen. So, my friends, get ready to take a message with a lot of numbers.

There, I think that should about do it.

THE WIFE: Bravo, Thurston! Oh, my. They don't look very pleased. Do they want a tip?

THE CANDIDATE: Splendid thought, Lovey. Here, everybody, there's a stack of hundreds. Take one and pass them along. Well, that concludes our press conference. Has everyone admired Lovey's brooch? Sets off those girlish eyes, doesn't it?

THE WIFE: Thurston, you are a devil!

THE CANDIDATE: Oh, I still have my ways.