Imagining Politics: Alternate Clintons

Charles Paul Freund | August 21, 2000

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Here are a few of the best runner ups:

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Honorable Mentions:

From: [e-mail]

Dear Kevin,

Hope you are enjoying Hong Kong, gajin dog! :) I'm settling into my two to five year "assignment" nicely, having found a clique of like-minded geeks. We spend our days discussing anime and watching each others backs. Luckily, the old veteran sex offenders are avoiding us weirdoes, so it's almost like high school. I guess it all went to hell when Clinton copped to adultery during the Paula Jones trial. He went all ultra-pious with CDA, COPA, CALEA, ECHELON, key escrow, etc. How was I to know those Japanese cartoon characters weren't over eighteen. : Shouldn't a man's hard drive be his castle?

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From: [e-mail]

Feeling uneasy on this, his first date with "Hillary", till now a law school pal, Bill decides to make a fast break while excusing himself for the men's room. "Something quirky about a militant, socialist, feminist..." he chuckles as he covertly leaves the restaurant. Months later he goes on to graduate, then fullfills a boyhood dream of starting the perfect french-fry establishment in the rural south: now a bustling joint employing perky high-school vixens. Oh, and "Hillary"? Canada's finest academic.

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From: [e-mail]

Bill Clinton, in the heat of passion, promises his new flame he will go to Vietnam to "become a man for her." Once there, though, he discovers the wonders of Saigon brothels and, like Al Gore, becomes a journalist with an eye towards going into politics. However, his stories catch the eye of a Hollywood studio executive. In 1980 Bill Clinton accepts his first Oscar, for his portrayal of a carefree single father in the romantic comedy "Cigar Man." In 1998, despite divorce rumors surrounding his stormy marriage to fourth wife Barbra Streisand, the two-time Oscar-winning actor and producer announces his intention to run for governor of California in 2000...