United States Census 2000

Extra Long, Dumb, Paranoid Form

Kurt Luchs from the June 2000 issue

(Page 3 of 5)

What is this person's marital status?

_ Now married
_ Widowed
         If so, caused by
         _ Death
         _ Football
_ Separated
_ Limbs separated from trunk, sealed in jumbo-size freezer
             bags and ready for night burial
_ Never married
         If so,
         _ Too smart
         _ Too ugly
         _ Both

At any time since February 1, 2000, has this person attended regular school or college?

_ No
_ Yes
_ I attended a regular school or college and thus am unable to comprehend this question

If yes, did he or she make it through

_ The school year
_ The school day
_ The metal detector

What is the highest degree or level of school this person has COMPLETED?

_ Doctorate degree (for example, "Dr. Mom")
_ Professional degree (for example, "Welcome to McDonald's,
          may I take your order please?")
_ Master's degree (for example, the one that allows Kathie Lee
          Gifford to own slaves)
_ Bachelor's degree (for example, Richard Simmons)
_ Associate degree (don't bother, nobody cares)
_ 1 or more years of college, mostly drugs
_ Some college credit but less than 1 year, mostly alcohol
_ High school diploma or the equivalent (for example,
         "Would you like some fries with that?")
_ 12^th grade, no diploma (see: loser)
_ 11^th grade, knocked up (see: loser with boyfriend)
_ 10^th grade, rag soaked with airplane glue stuck on face
_ 9^th grade, killed along with other freshmen in bizarre
         hazing accident
_ 7^th or 8^th grade, then straight to Kathie Lee's sweatshop
_ 5^th or 6^th grade, then straight to Congress
_ Nursery school to 4^th grade (i.e., human resources manager)
_ No schooling completed (may run as candidate for either
         major party)

Is this person a CITIZEN of the United States?

_ Yes, born in the United States
_ Yes, born on an inner tube within swimming distance of Miami
_ Not really, but what the hell, Yes

Does this person have any of his/her own grandchildren under the age of 18 living in this house or apartment?

_ Well, somebody is stealing the change out of my dresser drawer
_ Don't know, never go near the basement except to slide
         table scraps under the door

How long has this grandparent been responsible for the(se) grandchild(ren)?

_ 5 years or more
_ 1 to 4 years
_ Since they were pushed from a moving convertible onto
         the front lawn this morning

Has this person ever served on active duty in the

Comments

nfl jerseys|11.14.10 @ 10:56PM|#

hjxty

log in or register to reply