Capital Letters: Judgment Days

In which our man in Washington discovers the newest conservative outrage, prepares for Y2K, and gets a secret identity

Michael W. Lynch from the April 1999 issue

(Page 3 of 3)

I arrived at Olchak Market Research at 5:50 p.m., just in time to munch a sandwich, gulp a glass of water, and head into a bugged conference room. On arrival, each of us chose a movie star's name for purposes of identification. I was Danny Glover, while Bruce Willis sat to my right and I stared across the table at Warren Beatty, who is really a Republican Hill staffer.

It was a well-balanced group of Washington rent seekers. As the first exercise, Hart had us disclose our professions and predict the most important thing the 106th Congress was likely to accomplish. Harrison Ford, who works on the Hill, thought Congress would reform Social Security; Whoopi Goldberg, a journalist, expected a tax bill; and Jack Nicholson, who toils for a labor union, was banking on legislation on "pay equity," of all crazy things. All told, the group had two bureaucrats, two labor bosses, three Hill hands, two nonprofit employees, one who identified himself as "an attorney for a nonprofit," two journalists, and a trade association president. We were picked, Hart told us in an early suck-up, because we are opinion leaders. (Even the lowest-rent Lewinsky pundit probably wouldn't gab for two hours with a bunch of strangers for $150. I, however, will.)

At first, it wasn't clear who was paying Hart for what. He gave us a piece of paper with about six policy issues--including Social Security and Medicare, food stamps, telecommunications, and the environment--and two columns. In one column, we were asked to rank on an ascending scale of 1 to 10 whether we thought Congress would take action. In the second column, we were asked to signify if we gave a rat's ass about the issue with a simple Y or N. (For some reason, I had a bunch of Ns.)

We blathered about these various issues for about 10 minutes before Hart zeroed in on telecommunications. "Do you think Congress will do anything?" he asked Bruce Willis. Willis thought so, since there is plenty of lobbying power. For the same reason, I expressed the opposite opinion. With so many buyers, it's hard for congressmen to know who to sell themselves to. Besides, I said, the issue is very complicated, and congressmen are busy.

Hart, who has a studio executive tan, was soon up at an easel where he flipped to a page revealing four industries: Long Distance Telephone Service, Local Telephone Service, Cable TV, and Internet Service Providers. Which, he asked, do you think needs more government attention? Most people chose long distance or Internet providers, citing privacy concerns for the latter. I said cable TV simply because I hate, yes hate, my cable company and every cable company I have ever had. We blathered about competition--how would we know it when we saw it, what it might look like, whether it existed, and a bunch of other silly questions--for the next hour. Hart fired questions like a slightly subdued John McLaughlin. "Whoopi," he'd ask, as he paced about the antiseptic room, "how would you convince Harrison that more regulation won't help give him better TV service?"

With the ticking of each minute, Hart focused us on cable TV. He showed us ads for competitors--direct broadcast satellites and Star Power, a consortium which appears to offer bundled Internet, telephone, and cable TV service. He screened three ads for a company that situated cable and telephone companies in World War II America and Stalinist Russia.

I couldn't tell whether he was working for the cable industry or the upstarts, but he wanted to focus on our reactions to government intervention. Should the government be more or less involved? was his basic question. I, Danny Glover, said this question was framed wrong, since the government is already involved in each of his four areas, even those we agree are competitive. ISPs, for example, have government-regulated access over local phone networks. The real question is what the government should do to allow competition to flourish. Hart cut me off, and went back to his basic question for about the 20th time: Does the industry need more or less government regulation?

Finally, he asked us what we would say to the cable TV industry. Good riddance, I offered, adding that I would pay more money each month just so I didn't have to give any of my dough to a cable company. As Hart went around the table, there were lots of boat and dock metaphors. "The boat's already left," said one guy. "I don't know if they've missed the boat," said Robin Williams, "but they have to jump from the dock." Another guy--George Clooney, I believe, who works for a firefighters union--said they might fall into the crack between the dock and the boat.

As we left, a lady handed us each a small white envelope. Jack Nicholson continued to complain to me about his cable company. Warren Beatty felt there'd be action this year. Out on the street, I ripped open my envelope: a new Franklin and Grant. Nice. Beatty told me he couldn't accept money since he worked on the Hill and reiterated that he thought there'd be action on the direct broadcast satellite issue. I got his card. Another Washington contact.

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