The Best of Slime, The Worst of Slime

Winners and losers at the national conventions

Thomas W. Hazlett from the November 1996 issue

(Page 3 of 4)

In Chicago, Ameritech happily offered one-week wireless phone rentals with pre-paid time cards. For $20, the Dems went for the deal Big Time. Result: Cell phones were ubiquitous in Chicago, rather rare in San Diego. This should be a major embarrassment for high-powered Republican executives coast to coast.

Worst Felony Committed by a Delegate or Dignitary: Republicans After a wonderful party thrown by National Review on the first night of the GOP Con (beautiful backyard, with a gorgeous view of San Diego Bay, at a house owned by a rich Republican who no doubt dreams of capital gains tax relief), I go to redeem my vehicle from the valet. I travel just three blocks before discovering that I had been delivered a white Avis Thunderbird that only looks like my white Hertz Thunderbird. Upon returning to the scene of the crime, I am told that my car has already been issued to someone else. By the time I stumble into my hotel room at 2 a.m., I have discovered circumstantial evidence which indicates that the person who has apparently traded automotive units with me is staying at the Marriott.

Sure enough--it turns out that the Right Honorable Congresswoman Jennifer Dunn of the state of Washington, a leader of the freshman class of '94, is the thief in question. (My diligence in solving this case is not, I should add, an altruistic defense of the Hertz Corp. My briefcase and cell phone are in the absconded vehicle.) Ms. Dunn is not happy to hear from me. Upon learning of the situation, she admonishes: "Couldn't we please take care of this in the morning? I have to give a speech at 9 a.m. and I would really like to get some sleep. I will have my staff trade the cars later, if you don't mind."

I am stunned by the unrepentant attitude. "I would like to point out that you have taken my car, and my personal effects are in that car," I politely caution--omitting any mention of the California Code covering grand theft auto. While the cars are later exchanged without further excitement, I am shocked by the rapidity with which the Republican revolutionaries came to view the people's property as their own.

Best Corporate Reception: Chicago (Sprint)

The Democrats are so boisterously in favor of the "public interest" that they are tempted to boast about their big business connections. Banners all about Chicago proclaimed "THE 1996 DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION PROUDLY RECOGNIZES ITS OFFICIAL SPONSORS." The party of the common man is delighted to have the active assistance of United Airlines, GM, AT&T, Bay Networks, Xerox, Ameritech, Lucent Technologies.

But the best party was hosted by Sprint. The Shelter was totally groovy, a cave-like club with lots of rooms, lava lamps, and little nooks where it looks like you're not supposed to go. Two rock bands. Dancing. Open bar. Good eats. And they let me in without an earring or a ponytail!

Worst Corporate Reception: San Diego (Sprint)

Really, this is a little harsh. Everyone put on terrific spreads in both cities this year. Being a telecommunications wonk, I applaud the Nynex Crystal Garden reception in Chicago for its outstanding Chinese cuisine; the Ameritech spread for journalists in Chicago was equally fulfilling (and crowded, as the press really lives for the proverbial free lunch); the Pacific Telesis hospitality suite in San Diego offered up consistently delicious hors d'oeuvres--and great souvenir baseballs. But the damn weather in San Diego was steamy hot, and having to sweat for cocktails and tasty treats, not to mention being subjected to some gratuitous country and western crooning, was very nearly too much for this freeloader to endure. Nearly.

Best Remodeling: Republicans

Dick's Last Resort, a chain operation made profitable by the large gross margins available on liquid refreshments, was to host the Texas delegation's Wednesday night party when it became known to certain members of the Christian Coalition (which surely maintains an alert intelligence staff to sniff out just such potential breaches of national security) that the establishment was famous for its collection of women's bikini tops tacked to the bar, ceiling, and other structural foundations. So as not to insult (or otherwise excite) the sensibilities of their visitors, Dick's personnel untacked these decorator items and stored them neatly away. That, needless to say, was a smart housekeeping decision, although my suspicion is that at least a few of the pious partyers may have noticed something amiss.

Most Improbable Interest Group: Democrats ("Smokers for Clinton.")

Actually, I just made this up. But there was a ton of smoke being puffed in Chi-town, and I would bet that, President Clinton's firm desire to light up his poll ratings notwithstanding, Dems outsmoke Reps 2 to 1. That's in the cigarette category. Republican women were often seen in San Diego toting stogies, and one can only guess what the source of that purple haze was in Chicago. One suspects that, when it comes to cigarettes, the Democrats were rolling their own. The season's easiest bet: They inhaled.

Single Worst Line: Republicans

This was a very, very tough category. The Clinton video actually had Hillary's mom saying that she loved Bill "for the way he's defended and loved my daughter." Yeah, he's quite a hubby. Then there was Hillary's incredible "it takes Bill Clinton" to raise a child. Millions of concerned moms and dads exclaimed, "Not with my child you don't."

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