The Best of Slime, The Worst of Slime

Winners and losers at the national conventions

Thomas W. Hazlett from the November 1996 issue

Best Button: Democrats

The Republican entries were formidable, including "Wake Up--And Smell the Clintons," and "Annoy the IRS--Support the Flat Tax." But the Dems really have a flair for viciousness, and that's what good buttoneering is all about. "Nuck Fewt" seemed rather popular, and "Nobody Ever Heard of a Good Piece of Elephant" is sure to rile the animal- rights crowd. One button worn by a Democratic delegate also made a big impression: "HEY NEWT--CALL YOUR PROCTOLOGIST -- THEY FOUND YOUR HEAD." This was proudly displayed as we were leaving Mr. Clinton's acceptance speech, with his pledge of a "campaign of ideas, not insults."

But in my estimation "Dole IS 96" was the perfect lapel-wear for the Dems' Chicago Convention. It points out that the opposing candidate is far too elderly to assume high public office by employing the same commitment to truth and accuracy the Clinton White House has relied on in compiling its deficit reduction numbers (Dole is, in fact, 23 years younger than 96--the same age gap between him and Bill Clinton). More important, the slogan subtly makes the crucial distinction that cynical references to a person's physical characteristics are rude and insensitive, except when that person is a mean-spirited Republican attempting to impose an extreme right-wing agenda on an innocent America. In any event, Bob Dole is probably no older than the majority of the '60s rockers who hobbled around Chicago, missing performances (Stephen Stills was a no-show at a party I attended). Then too, the Bobster is still on his first liver.

Best Bumper Sticker: Republicans

"VISUALIZE IMPEACHMENT" is to a GOP activist what a bleached blonde with a twang is to Mr. President. Indeed, the fantasy-prone Republican insiders have been sporting fender-wear proclaiming "PRES. GORE: DON'T PARDON HILLARY" for some months now. Of course, the various crimes and misdemeanors of the Clintonites have now been turned into campaign talking points for the Democrats--as in Tipper Gore's applause line in her convention paean to Hillary as "a woman who always maintains her grace, dignity, and humor, even while being subjected to the most unimaginable incivility." Placing New York Sen. Al D'Amato in charge of the Whitewater hearings, of course, was a stroke of evil genius by GOP operatives who desire to lull their opponents into thinking that they are pure imbeciles. Although I am not privy to the long-run strategy involved here, look for something really huge to take us all by surprise in the moments leading up to election day.

Worst Bumper Sticker: Democrats

The Republican entry, "SAVE THE WHALES. Until We Get More Tartar Sauce," made a noble bid for this title, and I actually liked "STOP GLOBAL WHINING." But the '60s crowd hovering in the smoky confines of a Chicago jazz club topped these mightily. Confirming the suspicions of the crack REASON espionage team that the Democratic Party serves as a cover for agents provocateurs opposed to any hint of space- age capitalism, I was handed a bumper sticker reading: "FED UP WITH 'PROGRESS'? Write-in UNABOMBER For PRESIDENT '96." Yeah, that's the ticket for a far-out fireworks show. And if he loses in a close race to Bill Clinton, he might just snag an appointment as Postmaster General.

Best Protest Sign: Republicans

In the designated protest area, a leftist bore the following poster: "WE DEMAND HUMAN RIGHTS, LAND, MONEY, NEW HOMES, NO THREE STRIKES." Fair enough. But how many square feet? Who pays for carpets and drapes? And how many strikes?

Best Street Pamphlet: Democrats

In the tradition of Thomas Paine, the conventions are always surrounded by scores of leaflet distributors attempting to communicate their views to the movers and shakers of America. The Democrats had two bold entries, beating the San Diego pamphleteers hands down.

The first was a Teamster flyer (a stapled stack of pages, really) which detailed the juicy details of criminal actions being taken by an opposing union official. It began: "IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE. Enclosed is the immunity document signed by Teamster President Ron Carey to save himself from prosecution for embezzlement while in turn selling out 1.4 million Teamster families. Also enclosed are the articles documenting his shady inheritance of $395,000 from an elderly woman in New York and his use of trusteeships to further his own political career at the expense of the U.S. taxpayers." A Teamster official mixed up in questionable deals? Go figure.

But the clear winner in this category has to be the photocopied brochure I received pushing "A Long Overdue Bill With Teeth"--a constitutional amendment to the effect that "EACH AND EVERY AMERICAN CITIZEN MUST BRUSH THEIR TEETH AFTER EACH AND EVERY MEAL AND BETWEEN EVERY SNACK." While the need for such a "long overdue" amendment may seem obvious to many, the brochure nicely detailed that a "MANDATORY TOOTH BRUSHING LAW" was, in fact, a "FEDERAL EMERGENCY," and thoughtfully included diagrams as to proper brushing techniques. The political argument was compelling, as well: "Effective use of tartar control now will prevent the need for crowd control later on." The pamphlet established that forceful measures might be necessary, including "Formation of elite dental commando squads to perform random house-to-house no-knock dental inspections." Perhaps somewhat more controversial was the advocacy of "Utilization of recombinant DNA test tube gene splicing to create an army of winged monkeys to aid in this effort (hereafter to be referred to as 'tooth fairies')." But, as to the essential premise that "Proper dental hygiene is essential to proper social order. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of flesh," there could be no escape. Just like HillaryCare.

Most Hazardous Duty: Republicans

Getting between Billy Baldwin and some women at the Planet Hollywood in San Diego. Don't try this without shoulder pads, and a canister of mace wouldn't be a bad idea in case it gets ugly. This was at a fundraiser for the Creative Coalition, a group of Hollywood leftists (Baldwin, a Democrat, included) who strongly advocate the downfall of the free enterprise system, making just one tiny exception concerning the enforcement of monopoly rights to intellectual property--a philosophical abstraction they are apparently willing to die for.

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